ANYTHING can happen in a tunnel.

an encounter of the midget kind.

2005-10-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

I was wandering around the campus all "I'm WAY more badass than all of youz.", when this tiny little guy comes up to me! I thought he was a child at first, until I noticed the five-day-old shave and the bald spot. But he'd shaved his whole head, so I guess I wasn't supposed to notice that only parts of it had grown back.
he was hard to understand, because I'm not very fluent in Midget, but it turns out he was pissed because I hit on his girl. Me? Hit on someone's girl? Nosir. I explained it to him thusly: "you're obviously ... very short, and balding.. but I have no fucking clue what you're talking about." at which point he proceeded to kick me. IN THE SHINS. then he just ran off! asshole. I hate little people.
Yeah, so that was my day in a nutshell. if you're a midget and this has offended you, good. maybe next time you won't kick an innocent stranger in the shins and run off, you sadistically bite-sized miscreants.

Aaaahh, fuck you all.

2005-10-15T13:01:00.001-07:00

God, I'm so fucking bored. And tired. I got no fucking sleep last night, thanks to some asshole who snuck into my yard and tried stealing my phonebook.
See, I don't use phonebooks. They just don't work for me. But the city thinks I desire a phonebook, despite several attempts on my part to dissuade them of this belief, so I get one every fucking week. I don't think they even update it every week. I think they update it every few months. So why the fuck am I getting one every week? Fucking bastards!
Anyways, I don't always pick up my phonebook which I don't use as soon as I see it, so it'll usually sit out a couple days before I throw it in the trash. Does this mean I don't want to throw it in the trash? Does this mean I wish to not be given the opportunity to throw it in the trash? No. No it does not. Well, partially. I don't really want to deal with it, but I do like throwing things away, because I know it's all going to some landfill somewhere that'll help kill our fragile ecosystem. So I was understandably a little pissed when I saw some jackass sneak a meter and a half into my lawn (in clear view of the sign reading 'trespassers will be shot, and i will sell their delicious organs to the mexicans down the street'), grab my phonebook, and slink off. Man! Outrageous! What kind of city is this, where it's not safe to leave your phonebook on your lawn for a few days? I grabbed my shotgun and sprang for the door, kicked it down (okay, that wasn't neccessary, but it was pretty cool, this is why I replaced the thick oak door with a cheap plywood one) and began the hunt!
That wily little hobo thought he was gonna get away because it was dark out, but I outsmarted him. He got a block and a half away before I slammed into him with my* car - didn't count on headlights, didja buddy? - and recovered my phonebook. I had such a sense of like, uh, what's the feeling you get when you do good deeds? Well, whatever that's called, I had that feeling in spades. This has led me to believe that maybe I should try becoming a cop. I mean, how many people can chase down and hit a fleeing hobo in a hotwired chevvy? I would be like, the best cop everr.
But, yeah. Sadly, I was so happy about getting back my phonebook that I didn't follow through and sell his delicious organs to the mexicans down the street. I bet they went for a walk later and were like, "A hoboful of delicioso organs! mama mia! senorita! tortillia no mas! pour que, pour que!" and shit... I never get the credit I deserve for these things. Anyways, I went home, put the phonebook back in the imprint of dead grass on the lawn, and couldn't get back to sleep 'cuz I jjust kept thinkin'... what if someone was out there trying to steal my phonebook before I got a chance to throw it away? So I made popcorn and watched Night of the Living Dead, I always think the ending to that is so funny (but I won't ruin it because you guys probably haven't watched it yet.. aren't I nice? Yet another reason I'd be a good cop. Oh well, fuck you guys, the black guy leaves the basement and gets shot).

*finders keepers.

Terrorized by a rat, or opposum, or something.

2005-10-01T02:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, so every fucking night since I moved here, some creature has been crawling through my walls. It's only late at night, when there's no longer movement in the house, and the lights are all off, and it always crawls right up the wall beside my bed. I don't know what the fuck it is! I don't know how it got in there!
I want it dead so bad!
Seriously. This little bastard. It wakes me up like seven or eight times in the night. One time I picked up a 20lb weight and was considering hurling it at the noise in the wall. I decided against it, because it could be a raccoon, and those bastards are eerily clever, and instead of killing it I might just really, really piss it off, and incur its rabies-fuelled bloodlust, but yeah.

Ugh. I'm wearing headphones when I go to sleep until I figure out a way to kill that thing.
It can crawl through my walls, but it cannot crawl through... my freedom.

Half-Naked Thursday

2005-09-29T17:48:00.000-07:00

If you don't know what this is for, too bad. I'm not explaining it.

This was constructed from pictures of parts of me. Aren't I pretty?
...my icon is too part of me.

...no I will not spell naked incorrectly, you fascist bastards.

I swear on Fritz's life that this test is 100% accurate.

2005-09-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are flexible and ready for anything!

You would be forced to break up with someone who was arrogant, acting like the dictator of your life.

Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Wow! This test is SO incredibly accurate!
I guess that cold-hearted immoral deviants like me really just want to be loved.
Either that or we're loved too often and have taken to using those who love us until they're physically, emotionally, and monetarily dry.

Why not try loving me and find out? (you can make a difference... if only you try.)

Ode To Eric (because he deserves it. and has had it coming for a while now.)

2005-09-25T01:37:00.000-07:00

yo yo yo
diggity
jesus is yo home-boy
yo got more ho's than yo skin is black
bangin' on they back doors
knockin' up sluts
yo yo, yo, yo
chika pow wow chika wow wow pow wow
oooohhhh.... snap!
yo yo, got th' mad skillz of a artistographer
an' yo got mo' philosophizzy in the shizzy with the hizzy then you get right bizzy
but they other playas hatin' on yo
yo yo yo yo
diggity
they ain't got nothing on yo homey
yo and got dey hippies at yo junio' college
yo yo
drinkin' beer gettin' high smokin' dope hittin' acid
yo know that shit sterilizes yo spermology in the house
but dawg yo ain't got no pheer
yo yo yo
cuz yo believe in jesus
not heysoos you crazy mexican ho it's fuckin' jesus

I'll drizzle yo a pitcher in da house homey, just yo wait-izzle.

I feel cooool.

2005-09-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

Joe Normal
13 % Nerd, 4% Geek, 4% Dork

For The Record:

A nerd is a foolish, inept, or unnattractive person.
A geek is a person regarded as foolish, inept, or clumsy, a person accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is socially inept, or a canival performer whose show conssists of bizarre acts.
A dork is a stupid, inept, or foolish person, or a whale's penis.

You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal.

This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast.

I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal.

Congratulations!

If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback!

THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 4% on nerdiness
You scored higher than 1% on geekosity
You scored higher than 0% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid

sooo I'm 4% foolish, inept, or unnattractive, 1% carnie, and 0% whale penis.

I bet eric gets 100% whale penis. (On the other hand, I'm probably only saying that to piss him off.)

Sluts are funny because they have sex all over the place. Sometimes even in.... closets.

2005-09-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

The local Safeway is remodeling. Apparently they plan to have a big Opening Sale. Because they're remodeling. Even though they never closed. Maybe they're planning on changing their name, and what they sell. No more Safeway, now it's Dangerousway: Food & Drug + Sex & Violence.
I went in to check it out (and to buy some of that sex, offer free violence, try out some of their drugs and eat some of their food), and I saw one of those little donation cans for the poor starving orphaned hurricane babies. It said I could pay 5$ to give toothbrush and toothpaste to starving adoption baby. 10$ to give baby supplies to starving adoption baby. Or 15$ to give food and shelter to starving adoption baby. I asked the clerk if I could give 15$ to give toothbrush and toothpaste to three starving adoption babies, but not give any of them food, and she just gave me a dirty look. Here I am trying to be generous, and she gives me dirty looks. I just don't think starving adoption babies need food as much as they need clean teeth and gums.
They didn't have any sex for sale (I asked), and people freaked out when I started punching this fat guy (apparently he was just a really ugly pregnant woman), but I did buy some ZAP!© (I plan to grind it up, put it in some cookies, and give it to this old lady I know, I bet it's gonna be real funny, either that or really sad. I hope she has a strong heart) and some pasta sauce and some linguini. I got the pasta sauce and linguini because I like acting Italian. A telemarketer called later, I told her "I got-a me some-a pasta sauce and-a the linguini, mario luigi, spaghetti-o's and you want-ta come over and-a have the sex?" That bitch hung up on me though. I thought Italian accents were supposed to be sexy. I ended up throwing the linguini at the dog because I don't like linguini and he doesn't like linguini but he eats whatever I throw at him because he's a freak, and the pasta sauce kind of psyched me out because it didn't have an expiration date on it (it was made before they started dating things!!!) so I hurled it at my neighbor's car. It was a glass bottle, it broke his window, but didn't break. That kind of pissed me off. Damned cheap new-age cars. After a couple minutes I saw him creep out of his house, look in his car, grab the bottle and go back into his house..... I bet he put it on some linguini because he probably likes that shit, fucking weirdo.

It's just like making a cake. A cake that explodes and kills people.

2005-09-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

I was creeping back and forth along the roadside beside my hole of residence, when I noticed a number of police cars pull in to my neighbor's driveway. Not the camel penis neighbor, mind you, this was two doors down from me, those annoying Ukrainians who've been holding a grudge against me for the past six fucking years, just because I celebrate Halloween and they think it is a ridiculous holiday. What is so terrible about trying to frighten or hospitalize their children all the time, or hurling eggs, toiletpaper, rocks, and molotov cocktails at their home a few dozen days of the year? Fucking commies, they think they are smarter than me because they do not believe in God. Haha, one time they come by my house and ask why I do these things to them, I tell them I don't know how it happened because it is an act of God and apparently he does not exist. Oh, anyways, what happened today. I sneaked up to the house through the trees and some rocks, and touched a police officer from behind. You must understand, police here are not like police in other places. They are not so much police as independent agents who follow archaic laws and a twisted system of right and wrong. Some will gas you if you are just standing over a body on your lawn with a large bloody knife, others don't mind when you handcuff them to a bed and have sex with them for days (although they usually demand cash), and it is impossible to tell the difference! It turned out the police I had touched was not the latter. She smashed me in the face with a nightclub and stabbed me with her bayonette. She claimed they were making a drug bust!!! I did not know the Ukrainians were making drugs! I thought they were just assholes. This does explain so many things though, why they were always so secretive, why they didn't like it when I broke into their homes late at night, why they were always selling drugs, why they had a drug lab in their basement. The police officer was at this point handcuffing me just because I have the wrong skin tone. However, before she had a chance to entrap me in her automobile, it began to rain! This distraction, combined with a drug-crazed Ukrainian boy firing a volley of bullets at all four cars and the assembled officers, enabled me and several of the Ukrainians to escape to my home. I generously allowed them to stay in my reasonably drug-free basement, imposing upon them only the pminor restrictions of being bound, gagged, and beaten severely.

The police call my home 'deathtrap' nobody ever comes out, but I think that is mean because I go in and out all the time and nothing bad ever happens to me. Except that thing with the squirrels when I tried making a tree fort, because squirrels are fucking stupid. But other than that nothing at all.

Stolen from fritz, spinning girl, and luna nina.

2005-09-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

I wonder what a criminal profiler would have to say about this?

Julie::Garland
Emotional::whore
Head of household::sex
Diva::slut
Devastation::bloodlust
Business or pleasure::both
Crown::incest
Eastern::middle
Buzzed::sex
Officer::beating a black man

So fucking bored.

2005-08-30T23:07:00.001-07:00

As I prepare to move, I'm cleaning up things that haven't been touched in, quite literally, decades. And as I look through some of this old crap, I really have to ask: "What the fuck was I thinking?"
Because cleaning is fucking boring, here's a list of shit I didn't know/remember I had before I started cleaning:

a battleaxe (obviously I intended to fight the barbarian hordes at some point)
a hatchet (die, you damned dirty branches)
a woodcutting axe (die, you damned dirty trees)
a switchblade (die, you damned dirty old ladies)
a box full of outdoor and pocket knives (never use the same one twice, the police look for that)
an antique rifle (when the fuck did I buy that?) and a bunch of bullets (from my days in WWI I bet)
seven unopened lava lamps, 6 unopened lightning ball/twisty things (someone circulated a rumor that I liked those one year... I don't.)
5 unopened meter-length fluorescent lights (where the fuck did these come from?)
3 unopened high-power strobelights (the Revenge of the Epileptics will be short lived)
1 composite bow, 2 longbows, a crossbow, a ton of arrows, 6 bolts (apparently I had intended to shoot something at some point... with arrows)
a scimitar and what looks like a fucked-up gladius (again, where the fuck did this shit come from? maybe I planned to fight with the uhh... arabs... and the romans. the roman legions will return from space one day, you know, and they're gonna be REALLY pissed about rome)
2 black leather trenchcoats, 3 black leather jackets, 3 black leather belts, 1 pair black leather gloves, 1 pair black leather pants, 1 pair spikey black leather boots, 1 pair black leather workboots (I bet I'd squeak like crazy if I wore all that at once)
a pair of fluffy blue and white slippers (I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THOSE FOR YEARS)
my bathrobe of similar colors (BATHROBE. I thought you had been lost forever with the slippers! ...strange how I value the slippers greater than the bathrobe.)
The Arabian Nights, Origin of Species, Voyage of the Beagle, Introductory American History, Dante's Inferno, 5 versions of the holy bible, Bible Gallery, 1st edition War of the Worlds and H.G. Wells' Pocket History of the World, Gray's Anatomy, Einstein's Decoding the Universe, Iconographia Gyniatrica (haha), Zarathustra, Keats' Poems (I disavow any knowledge of ever having read a poetry book), Ivanhoe, Chaucer's Canterbury tales, Rashomon, Hagakure, Poe: Collected Works, Lovecraft: Collected Works, The Dream Hunters (I used to read old books, before I decided they rot your brain... I forgot I had all these fucking books), and porn from all the ages
The following DVD's (only listing the ones I didn't know I had): American Beauty (that guy is awesome. "Obviously you're not going to help me in that department!"), Tank Girl (I was a dog, but I was really good, so they promoted me to human... sort of.), Labyrinth (yow. Nice pants.), Bowling for Columbine (god, that guy is such a whiner), Jet Li in Black Mask (haha, that movie is so lame, I like it anyways), Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai (How did that guy plan on getting the boat off the roof?!), Hart's War (You crazy americans and your escape plans!), Spaceballs (Evil will always triumph because good is dumb.), Zardoz (What? you mean Sean Connery's hair wasn't white when he was younger?), and Buffalo 66 (THAT GUY IS MY ROLE MODEL).
3 packs of 100 razorblades each (if I ever got depressed, I would never, ever have to leave the house!)
a hairbrush (I have been using combs for years. No more shall the brush hide itself from me.)
a whip (cha cha cha)
spiked knuckles (having trouble picking between blunt force and seeing them bleed? no longer!)
a bunch of unopened toys (? If a kid ever had a birthday party, ... well, I don't like children, so he'd be out of fuckin' luck.)
three wigs (haha, they'll never catch me now)
a can of sardines (...I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have eaten those)
the technical schematics I made for everything I ever wanted to build (and oh my god! I used to know so much more shit than I do now.)
the Cha-Cha Manifesto (This dark text was buried upon its completion, and for good reason. Or, it was supposed to be buried, but I guess I just tossed it to the side and planned on burying it later.)
more compressed trioxane fuel than I could ever have a use for (i guess in case it gets cold, because you see I enjoy chemical fires)
a bunch of drawings of me ... um, sleeping... I think I need better locks. definetely need better locks. (but secretly I'm flattered.)
a dirty love letter (it was addressed for my neighbor, but I decided he was already loved enough by his family)
dimensional fabric paint (don't look at me.)
silver lipstick (ok, I'm pretty, you can look at me now.)
a bouncy ball (I was so excited! I bounced it and bounced it and bounced it and then the dog freaked out and ate it. And now I'm kinda sad.)
a tazer (it still works! I thought it didn't... I forgot how much they sting.)
three cans of mace (one of my friends keeps giving me those, I have no idea why. she always acts really secretive about it, too. maybe she's envisioning me battling an evil overlord, and at the height of the battle, right when it looks like he's going to win, I'd whip out the can and mace him, and he would be all "Aaaarrrrg!! Mace, my only weakness!")
a lint roller (it has 25% more ultra-tack adhesive than their regular product, guaranteed)
hershey's syrup (... after the incident involving the sardines, I am hesistant. what's the shelf life for this stuff?)
a box of socks (yes, a box. I think they were a christmas present, many years ago.)
a harmonica (a family heirloom, or so I was told. I threw it away. Take THAT, family culture!)
an accordian (what the fuck? Where the hell did that come from?)
an old pistol and some bullets (bang bang!)
whiskey (unopened! you say 'stay sober', the universe says 'get plastered'.)
a library card (I went to a library?)
an unopened can of neon hair spray (maybe it's to go with those lights)
an opened can of black hair spray (sometimes I like to be sneaky, dirty blonde isn't sneaky)
a sketchbook (if you think my 'net comics are bloody/wierd, you should look in there)
1 of those really big metal flashlights used for smashing people AND shining light, 2 smaller versions I guess for jabbing people in the eyes with (I have never once used any of these for their light-bringing capabilities)
$20+ in quarters, 3 dimes, 2 nickels, and two pennies (god I hate change so much. why the fuck do I have so many quarters?)
a metal meterstick, 2 metal rulers (every time I see them, I say to myself "I'm going to sharpen these, and use them to murder somebody, just because that seems really cool." but I never get around to sharpening them. I tried cutting off someone's hand once anyways... didn't work, he was just really pissed and kept yelling.)
3 unopened bottles of hair gel (hah! these and the hair brush will keep my hair looking semi-sane for days if not a whole week!)
aa battery charger, 6 chargable aa batteries, and an unopened pack of 48 aa batteries (apparently at one point I had a desparate need for aa batteries?)
an old CD player (ohhh. so THAT is what those batteries were for.)
a fork (every morning for almost a year now I've woken up, stepped out of bed, yelped, and hopped on one foot out of the room. now I know why.)
a spoon (the spoon is always quick to bend)
a bunch of stuff that looks like it belongs inside my computer (maybe this is why it freezes so often?)
Super Mario Kart, Todd McFarlane's Spawn the Video Game, Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country, and... no super nintendo to play them on? what the fuck? (this is why I'm so mean to everybody: I know you all did something to my SNES, many years ago. But I don't know what. Yet.)
an unopened chinese calligraphy kit (someone who hates me bought that for me a long time ago, knowing that one day, far into the future, I will get extremely bored, open it, and get ink on everything I own)
a valentine (haha, I have a valentine and you don't. sure it's from forever ago when I was jailbait, and from a woman later hit for 11 sex with a minor charges, but still, fuck you.)
an unopened 3-d puzzle of the eiffel tower (okay, seriously. how the fuck did something like that get in here without me noticing?)
a metal trash can with one of those pedal-things at the bottom to open it (oh, god. oh, god. why did I open that. why. oh... god. something in there was moving, it was so rank I was gagging. I stacked a couple books on top of it and vowed to come back when I found something I thought could kill whatever was living in an airtight garbage can for... I don't know how many years. AND HOW DID IT GET IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE)
a toolkit (thought you could hide from me behind my natural enemy, the books, huh? well you didn't count on me doing a small amount of cleaning)
woodcarving set (because I carve things on wood?)
plastic army soldiers and Spider Man (the woodcarving set is no longer usable on account of it being covered in bits of plastic)
jerky (does not last as long as one might think, I tried eating some before noticing it had an expiration date of six years ago)
peanut butter (oh man. it feels like my intestines are trying to strangle my liver and stab my spleen. I should stop figuring out the food source viability of these things through taste-testing.)
a mechanical pencil (clickclickclickclickclickclick)
a single clothespin (I spent six minutes considering what use I might have for this, then remembered old movies where they used it to plug their noses... I have officially determined that the people in old movies were either using a different kind of clothespin, or were fucking idiots)
a sautering iron (I remember I had been planning on doing something with this... something involving the computer and those extra parts, maybe.)
extra lead for the mechanical pencil (clickclick... okay, I'm bored with the mechanical pencil now.)
a cup of coffee (coffee never ever goes bad)
an unopened heater (if I put this facing the fan I wonder if it will get hotter or cooler)
my duct-tape trenchcoat, my 1920's-style halloween mask, my hobo gloves, my spiky pants and tight shirt with holes in it (let's play dress-up! or not. If only I were 20 years younger and tonight were halloween night, I'd dress up in this and kill kids like crazy)
the thing. that nobody knows what it does. (seriously, it's this metal thing that's kind of pointy on one end, and has this blunt other end, and this thing coming off it that's pretty sharp and a little worn, and on it it says "Do not strike or use as a hammer." and "Wear safety goggles.")
a red glowstick (because you can never have too many things that glow) and also a green one. (because we like christmas)
the disc. this wretched disc contains every song from the 90's that didn't suck. for a while my computer wouldn't read it. today, it did. I love how I did absolutely nothing different to my computer between when it refused to read the disc and when it read every last byte perfectly. (computers are the matrons to a generation of serial killers.)
a letter from my old pen pal (she wrote english very poorly and kept begging to see her son again)
broken headphones (aw, that just sucks.)

Ode to Fritz

2005-08-29T01:27:00.000-07:00

(this is so NOT song lyrics strung into stanzas that only sorta make sense.)

I love rock and roll
She loves horses and her boyfriend too
But I was bad to the bone, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bad
And the chinese know, they walk along like egyptians.

Domo arigatou mister roboto
all we are is dust in the wind;
Smoke on the water
Is much better than than the owner of a broken
young people speaking their minds.

Don't fear the reaper
Is she there or is she trying to give me the slip
Anyway you want it, that's the way you need it;
I'll rock you like a hurricane
Cuz I'm a 21st century digital boy.

Somebody turned around and shouted "Play that funky music white boy"
'cuz your friends don't dance and if your friends don't dance then they're
just another brick in the wall;
But everybody needs somebody, someone to
Ride 'em in Rawhide.

Tequila
It's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight
I will survive
So let's do the time warp again.

Also,

jesus can you fly? no but i can jump really high

2005-08-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

I saw jesus at the gas station.
He touched my arm and said, "go to the next pump, sir."
I asked, "Jesus?"
And he replied, "I'm not jesus."
And I said, "But you look like..." and motioned to his face.
Jesus self-consciously patted his chin, where stubble grew. He gained a dark look of shock.
Someone had recognized him through his poorly shaven disguise!
"I'm a woman!" He exclaimed.
"Haha, don't worry I won't tell nobody." I explained.
And I just left him there, with love in his eyes.
Or possibly it was fury.

Oops, I didn't mean to hit you... but I'm glad I did.

2005-08-21T03:09:00.000-07:00

So I was riding the bus for the bajillionth time due to my inability to convince the DMV that I should be allowed to drive (I won't hit anyone else, I promise), and this guy clutches my shoulder from behind. I turn back, accidentally elbowing him in the face at the same time, and he just starts screaming and clutching his eye!! It was so weird. I kind of awkwardly turned to face foreward again, everyone was staring at me, I didn't know what to do so I just pasted on a fake smile. A couple people shook their heads, then they turned one by one back to their previous positions of empty stares out the windows or at the bus driver, and the guy's screaming slowly dissolved to crying and sob-whimpers... I almost felt bad, but by that time I'd just decided he was crazy, and it's real hard to feel bad for crazy people.

As summer comes to a close, people become more and more insistent about how important it is for me to go to their parties. Apparently my heartless cruelty and bitchy sarcasm is well-liked by some of the insipid masses I inflict it upon, and also older folks think I'm really cool because I make jokes that old people like (and sometimes I'll even let them have a little of their medication... but only a little! Nobody needs that much Celebrex!), and also my boyish good lucks have turned into sexy manly charm. Well, that last part is just a guess. But I think it's a good guess. Because, you know. I'm really hottt.

P.S. Mr. Children claimed I never put 'emotions' or 'real events' into my blog, which is why this post is so emotional.

Why I love My Town

2005-08-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

Because this is shit you need to know.
There is a stream - nay, a creek - which runs right on the edge of our city limits, where, when it gets hot enough, the rednecks will gather and shoot at fish, and hippies will lie naked in great numbers upon its rocky shores. And if you ever wanted mail, why, right in the middle of the Old Highway (a place where you only drive if you wish to be rammed repeatedly by semi's) is a federal post office, where they will sometimes give you some of your mail if you bribe them substantially. When one gets hungry, it's never too far a drive to the grocery store! ...except in this town. In this town, it's never too far a drive to the gas station! There is no grocery store here. You can buy everything from a 2-liter to a bag of chips, and a couple of the things in between. If it's a real cold day out, they even fire up the ol' cappuccino machine - and at 6$ a cup, that coffee tastes all the sweeter. But no, I'm lying, it'll still be the worst coffee you ever force down your throat. This can't be all there is to your town!, you must be thinking. Well no, it's not. There's also a feed store - because we all like animals, right? Well, not really. But there's a feed store anyways. There's also a trailer park! Filled with welfare-dependant drug addicts and pregnant pre-teens, this would be the perfect place to spend an afternoon, if you like getting attacked by drug-crazed Klanners and packs of flearidden feral cats who also just so happen to be rabid. But what about the children, you ask? What about the children? The children have an elementary school! It's incredibly downshodden, the teachers have a history of molesting children, and every school year there's another half-dozen little bodies to bury, but the only real difference between this school and any other is that it's surrounded by barbed cowfencing and a highway with a steep slope. It's as if, when making the school, the designers were saying to themselves, "Now let's make sure NOBODY walks off school grounds.... alive." But a town cannot survive on schools, gas stations and feed stores alone. We have other attractions, too. Like, we have a foundry! I like to tell children that if they're really bad, their parents will throw them into the smelting pots, but they know what I'm really saying is that I'll be the one to do it. We also have a shooting range. In a small town, there's not much to do besides kill your neighbors (or people that drive by your house). But we have to have real good aim to hit those damned sportscars... anyways, what I'm saying is that here is a good place to live. But I'm not going to tell you where here is, because you would lame it up.

I stole this from a dead australian's blog.

2005-08-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

1) Single or taken: do i act like a single guy who knows girls only through poorly directed pornography and repeated drunken encounters? ........fuck you.
2) Your Age: 88.
3) Birthday: january 38th, 1922.
4) Hair color: blonde. dirty blonde. dirty, dirty, dirty blonde.
5) Eye color: black, black like the ace of spades or one of those guys that gets the eyedrops that make their eyes dilate and shit.
6) Shoe size: gigantic. so gigantic, you can't even imagine it. i mean, them.
7) Full name: baron von billy bob joe danni-o roberto krudop.
8) What do you think about the person who sent you this? there was no sent. only stolen.

*~* R e l a t i o n s h i p s *~*
1)Do you have a boyfriend? sir i am not a homosexual.
2)Do you have a girlfriend? i have more girlfriends than i have books on my shelf! ... books are overrated anyways.
3)Did you send this to your m8z? ...uh, right.

*~*F a s h i o n S t u f f *~*
1) What is your favorite shop? don't go to shops. buy food from grocery store. steal clothes from homeless people. it all works out.
2) Any tattoos or piercings and if so how many? my tattoos or piercings > your tattoos or piercings.

*~* T h e E x t r a S t u f f *~*
1) Do you do drugs: no sir! not with a probation officer reading my blog!
2) What are you most scared of: that one day i'll find a mouse that's impervious to being smashed. or that someone will replace my heart with a watch while i sleep, because i HATE watches.
3) What are you listening to right now: the neighbor's cat yowling outside. one day i will kill that cat. and i will feel no remorse.
4) Who was the last person you called? i don't call people, they call me, except eric because he hates it when i call him.
5) Where do you want to get married? over my dead body. i don't want to get married when did it become mandatory, you assholes.
6) How many MSN contacts do you have? 0, nobody likes me. haha, no really, i don't use msn because instant messagers suck.

*~*FAVOURITES!*~*
1) Colour: black, black like a midget's soul.
2) Food: tastey babies. but you know what they say, if the baby's gone bad, feed it to the dogs (because if you eat a baby that has gone bad you will be as bad as the baby was... also it gives you dysentery).
3) Boy's names: gorhak, stabbity stabinson, dirty joe, eric the prostidude, (the) whoremaster.
4) Girls names: slutty mcslutalot, whorey o'streethooker, tits mcgee, sexy bangsallnite, lady cunnilingus, anita dick, lillianjamesravenwood, alotta vagina.
5) Subject: sex ed.
6) Animal: a sexy one. that kills stuff alot. like a marmot. or a seal. a sexy sexy seal.
7) Sportz: it's spelled with an 's', fuckass. cagefighting, cockfighting, and bare knuckle boxing (to the death!).
8) Music: my music > your music.
9) Phrase: "Smoke Cigarettes."

*~*H a v e Y o u E v e r *~*
1) Given anyone a bath: yes. no. i'm not sure, do i count?
2) Bungee jumped: i've shoved/dropped people off really high things... i think that counts.
3) Broken the law: me?! never!!! i like the law, it protects me from families seeking retribution for my crimes.
4) Made yourself throw-up: haven't we all, haven't we all.
5) Ever been in love: yes. our love is solid and true, up until the second she pops or deflates for no apparent reason.

*~*W h a t Y o u L o o k F o r I n B o y s *~*
1) boxers or pants? pants. definetely pants.
2) long or short hair? people with really long hair are usually hippies. dirty, dirty hippies.
3) jewelry or none? none.
4) keeps to himself or cnt keep his hands of u? every time you touch me, an angel douses itself in gasoline.
5) enjoys music? you will listen to my music or i will cut you! cut you up good!
6) artistic? art is creepy.
7) different? if you mean 'touches himself in public', no. if you mean 'doesnt give me that look every time i come home with my shirt washed in blood', yes.
8) watches porn? depends what he's doing in front of it. 'get a room' comes to mind.

*~* W h a t Y o u L o o k F o r I n G i r l s *~*
1) underwear or pants? neither?
2) long or short hair? depends, some girls can pull off short hair but most just end up looking like guys.
3) jewelry or none? lots, so i can steal & sell it!
4) keeps to herself or cant keep her hands off u? try 'all tied up. and gagged. and nobody knows where she is.'
5) enjoys music? you will listen to my music or i will cut you! cut you up good!
6) artistic? art is creepy.
7) different? if you mean 'crazily strong and better than most magicians at escaping bonds', no. if you mean 'doesnt scream when i tell her not to scream or ill have to kill her', yes.
8) watches porn? ye... no? that's a tricky one. i guess if it's porn that i directed/filmed/starred in, yes.

*~* F i n a l Q u e s t i o n s *~*
1) Pizza or chocolate: both, fuck you.
2) How many people are you sending this to? none. i don't send people this kind of shit.
3) Who will send it back: maybe mister children will take it. if he doesn't i will raze his land and set his house and family aflame.
4) Gold or Silver? depends on what kind of security we're looking at.
5) What was the last film you saw? i'm not sure... it had a bunch of guys fighting each other then this one guy was all "i will beat you!" and the other guy looked at him dramatically then ran off then the other guys were still fighting and the guy ran up the hill and the other guy was all "hahaha" and the chasing guy was all "huh?" then these bolders fell! and i was like "no way! run for it man!" and theguy was just staring at the boulders and i was like "lame!" then the other guy kept running up the hill and this kinda hot girl grabbed the guy and was all "you have to watch out" then they were getting kinky and then the bad guy came in and it was all like "hahaha!" and the other guy was all "dammit!" and the bad guy was all "now i will get kinky with her! she is kinda hot, haha!" then the bad guy ran off with the kinda hot chick and then the good guy got shot or something and the bad guy was in his hideout and the good guy had wrastled himself up some pterodons or something (i'm not sure how i kinda fell asleep partway through...) but then the bad guy was like "not pterodons or something similar!" and the good guy jumped down and landed on a bad guy but then the main bad guy shot the good guy again and he was all "dumbass." and the good guy was all "there is a gaping hole in my chest." and the kinda hot girl was all "well shit." and the bad guy was all "now let's get kinky kinda hot chick!" and the girl was all "sure" and the good guy was all bleeding to death, it was kinda cool....

Thought you should know...

2005-08-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

Hey, guess what? I just found out that my great-great grandfather was Baron von Krudop, originally kicked out of Germany for unmentionable crimes, but that after WWI, Germany reinstated my family's status as nobility and said it was o.k. for us to come back... so technically, I'm nobility. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is BOW BEFORE MY NOBLE NET-PRESCENCE, YOU DAMNED DIRTY PEASANTS.

mister nibbles, who constitutes a chapter in my book.

2005-08-10T23:36:00.000-07:00

omg

2005-08-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

so drew wasn't moving after last nights party and and i couldn't wake him up and i thought he was dead so i was dragging him across the bridge to throw him in the river and he woke up!!! i was alike "aaa! no? why?!" and he was like "aaaaa" so I kicked him in the head really hard and it was dark and i ran off... man! drew is such an asshole! why did he wake up?! i hope he gets a tumor! i ran alll the way home and shook my roommate awake and was like "drew woke up!!! i thought he was dead and he woke up!!" and she was like "what did i tell you about touching me whyle i'm sleeping?" and i was so freaked out and nobody cared about what happened with drew.... i went back to the bridge earlier today and he was gone.... i thought maybe he would have jsut stayed there or been chewed by rats or something....... after my roommate wokeup this morning i was all "don't tell drew it was me!" but that bitch probably did, i hate roommates.

I so just got spammed on myspace.

2005-07-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

I got this message that was all this hawaiian chick telling me that "you caught my intentions." And I was like, "intentions? whose intentions did i catch?!" and I opened the message and she was all "i am pretty blah blah self esteem blah blah caring man blah blah... just o love me." so I was all "hey, that's what i do best: just o-love people. wait, wait no, i mean 'just smash people in the face with things'." I'm not sure what o-love is. But it sounds hot. I bet it's like, love, as experienced through the eyes of a donut that is being ripped apart by wild animals.
Man, now I want a donut so I can see o-love in action. Curse you myspace. I don't have a donut. Yet. I'll post more when I get a donut. I'll be right back. Seriously. Well, not right back. It'll probably be a few hours, or maybe days, I've got the attention span of a three year old who's been given repeated, savage skull beatings. Skull beatings. I bet that's not the right word. or wordss. screw it.

Oh, also I found out that the fountainhead? Not that good a book. There's this guy who always leaves tons of trailing ellipses (like this...) and was declared a homosexual by three people (yes, two of which was me.) and then there was this kid who waited for this other kid and then sprayed him with the hose, and I was like "Johnny you dumbass! He was standing on his front yard with a hose waiting for you! You should have seen that like a mile away! ...dumbass." which leades me to beleive I shouldn't try and read non-picture books because I get too involved. But really. Johhnny was a dumbass! Seriously!! He deserved to get beaten with that garden hose.

Okay, two things.

2005-07-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

Thing 1!
I've found that after having eaten until I am full of meat that was cooked extra extra rare (so rare, I might as well just go out and chew on a live cow) that I'm much nicer to people. This leads me to believe that when I'm mean and cruel to people, it's not simple malice without reason; I just want to eat them.

Thing 2!
I'm bored, read me acting british at a person I found on-line. Guess which one is me!

Flaying Children: What up, friendly neighbor?
Stabyouface: Nothing much, my good fellow.
Flaying Children: Wonderful!
Stabyouface: We should dine together sometime!
Flaying Children: In joyous comradery with other chaps!
Stabyouface: Perhaps with our families!
Flaying Children: Ha, ha!
Stabyouface: ...!
Flaying Children: That's a delicious idea, if you catch my drift!
Stabyouface: Ah, delicious! Ha, ha, you card!
Flaying Children: I am what I am and I do what I can.
Stabyouface: Oh, you. Ha, ha, ha!
Flaying Children: Ha, ha, ha!
Stabyouface: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Flaying Children: Have you had a good look at my masochistic pleasure slave, good sir? She is quite skilled in her craft.
Stabyouface: Ah, wonderful! I have something like that. She stays in the kitchen or bedroom! Wherever I tell her to go!
Flaying Children: However a paradox arises as per punishment: physical violations, no matter how excruciating, render her giddy and overflowing with joy! I am at a loss.
Stabyouface: I know how you and she must feel. I enjoy it when I stake myself in the leg with a needle laced with morphine and rubbing alcohol!
Flaying Children: Ha, ha, I see how it is!
Stabyouface: Only a gentleman of your nobility would!
Flaying Children: Say, what do you think about making a cult to Satan?
Stabyouface: A cult you say?
Flaying Children: Ah, yes.
Stabyouface: Hm.
Flaying Children: Virgin sacrifices on tuesday!
Stabyouface: Why didn't you say so in the first place!
Flaying Children: Oh, ho, ho!
Stabyouface: I do enjoy a good virgin sacrificing cult!
Flaying Children: Me too! That's why I started it!
Stabyouface: Ingenius!
Flaying Children: You are truly a god amongst peasants.
Stabyouface: Your aptitude knows no bounds, good sir. Hahaha.
Flaying Children: This was too weird, even for me.
Stabyouface: Hahah!!

MY trip to Ireland. Because I blog sexy.

2005-07-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I went to Ireland. It was a very fantasia place, with lots of Highlanders. They cut off each others' heads, because there can be only one. Eric was there too, but he was bitten by a leprechaun, so probably won't be posting about it, because leprechauns are a very shameful thing to be bitten by. Don't tell him I told you about the leprechaun. Anyways, they had a bunch of fish in Ireland, and drowned chinese babies. It was fun. One time an irish guy fought me with a sword because I made fun of his kilt, and he cut off my arm. I am now a cripple. I hope to get better soon though. In Ireland I found a kid selling a strange food called Haggis. It is apparently all the guts of a goat, contained within the delicious stomach of a goat. After the first bite, I shook it up and poured it on a villager, it was great fun and we all had a good laugh before they tied me to a stick in the center of town to think on my transgressions.
One of the days I was there I saw the Loch Ness monster. It shot atomic death-rays at my boat, but then my tour guide called up Braveheart and they beat the monster then went on to take over Britain, but we gave it back after a couple hours because they just kept asking if we wanted tea and if they could "bum a fag" from us. I hate britain. It is cold there and the people are ugly. It makes me feel like I'm back in the Orphanage, where they would always steal your blanket and touch you even though they were really ridiculously bad looking. On that matter, Eric's wallet was stolen by the British. I guess that's what they meant by "bum a fag". I told him not to let them, but he never listens to me because he's a jew, and now he's a jew without a wallet.
As we were trying to leave Ireland, a plane smashed into ours. It made me sad. Why would a plane smashed into ours? It made me sad. Eric took pictures, but not of me. I was very unhappy. I got out of the plane and was all, "What would your mother say if she saw you hitting other kids with fully grown planes?" at the pilot of the other plane. We made a layover in Britain. The second time I was there, it was fun! I left a bag of explosives there, tied to the corpse of a muslim that I found. Also I found out that those guards that supposedly don't move ever will move if you start pouring lighter fluid on them. Then we came home. I brought back a souvenir to prove I went to Ireland and British: a dead rat. It smells salty and like goat intestines, and everyone knows the only place to get salty is britain and the only place to get goat intestines is Ireland.

DISCLAIMER 1: Eric did not take any pictures of me in Ireland. Egotistical bastard.
DISCLAIMER 2: There is a distinct possibility I did not go to Ireland.

P.S. Eric is getting mad because I keep acting like things he does is things I do and like he does stuff that he doesn't really.

.....I don't think I seem THAT dangerious.

2005-07-14T00:42:00.000-07:00

Your Rising Sign is Scorpio

You're so intense and passionate - you're on fire!

You want to be an angel or a devil... you can't decide which.

No wonder you seem moody and even a little dangerious.

You've got some major mystery going on, so work it!

Your personality is the strongest of all signs, making you hard to deal with.

While you're ruthless to your enemies, you're loyal to your one true love.

What is Your Rising Sign?

DON'T FUCKING WATCH THE NEWS.

2005-07-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

Oh my god!!! people are so stupid. On the news (I watched it for half an hour), between the story of the thief that robbed half a dozen people without even having a weapon, and the four cops who screwed the underage girl but aren't going to be prosecuted, there was the bicyclist. Man. This guy was in a bicycle race when he LOST CONTROL OF HIS BIKE, kept going for three or so meters, then hit a metal pole and died. Yes, that's right. He lost control of his bike and died. It's not like, you know, he could have used his brakes, or just.... I dunno, TURNED THE FUCKING HANDLES A HALF INCH TO THE SIDE. Arrr. You people are so damned stupid. A fucking bicycle. Not on a hill or anything, either, this was level ground.
Also, human hair, stuck in some shrubs in the mountains! Not human hair! Oh god! They had an entire fucking search, brought in helicopters and everything, over some fucking human hair that some hikers found. Also, a girl was sexually abused and found with her captor in a restaurant. A goddamned russkie listening device was discovered off the coast of Washington. A man was caught soliciting sex from children! Mr. Children, was that you? No, I'm kidding, Mr. Children only eats children, he doesn't screw 'em. But maybe it was an ingenius ploy, designed to get the kids all ready for some illegal sex, then turning the tables and cutting off their heads and boiling them in pots (not neccessarily in that order, he might wish to hear the screams, the horrible horrible wonderful screams, then cut off their heads).
A 49 year old man was masquerading as a cheerleader. Well, that's .... creepy!
Wal-Mart's starting a friday single's shopping night! That's... also fucking creepy! But it paves the way for people like me to bludgeon a date in the parking lot and take her home, so I guess it's not so bad.
Also. God-damn. These shitheaded newscasters are so fucking idiotic. Every fucking time they have a murder or a kidnapping or a rape, they go up to a random person on the street and ask their opinion. Because you know, if you live somewhere, you're an expert on everyone and everything that goes on there.
In other news, an Arizona baby is dead! Killed by being left in the car. Wow, imagine that. How is this related to Oregon news?! Nobody knows!!! I saw that Christian Children's Fund shit for the kabillionth time, and it gave me an idea. The Partially Drowned Chinese Baby Fund. This is where everyone pays me a bunch of money, then I go to the Chinese border and scoop up floodriver babies that may or may not be dead and mail them all to America. Partially drowned is a promise, not a guarantee, you will get no money back, and also I might just blow all the money on my newfound gambling addiction and pick up a bunch of american babies from one of those dumpsters outside the abortion clinic, but hey, nobody really wanted supersmart dying buddhist babies anyways.
And to finish, I will reveal why I am swearing a lot again.
So like, I had this dream last night. It was real shiny. There was a bowling ball, and Jesus was riverdancing on top of it, and he got that religious look in his eye, and he leaned down real close and told me, “Evan, ye been defilin’ me name. Lad, it upsets me so to see you doin’ such evil. Ah, Blarney. I wish ye’d go back to ye olde sinnin’ ways, they be less sinful than the tricks you’re up to now.” but he seemed real short and was wearing all green, so I was like “Are you sure you’re not a leprechaun?” and he was like “’Tis a good question m’boy, and best answered by this: would a leprechaun give ye a bar of gold not to ask that question again?” and he gave me a bar of gold and I was all “No sir mister Jesus!” and he was like “Aye lad. That’s right. And remember, if anyone asks, I don’t exist.” then a rainbow came and took him away.
…I never knew Jesus had red hair.

UPDATE: A baby in Illinois was found alive in a bunch of tires. It's like, the balance of nature. One baby is murdered by the sun, another escapes to Illinois to be raised by tires. Isn't life grande?

Will the highways of the internet become more few?

2005-07-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I so was totally watching the fireworks in Estacada, (the town of inbred country-folk which lurks nearby and slurps its way gradually towards the city in the fashion of a creeping mold which is not deadly but may well end up giving you leprosy and/or malaisia [I can't remember if that's a disease or a country right now, but either way it's not a very good thing to get]). It kind of bothered me though, because their fireworks were really really ridiculously shitty. I kept thinking, "God would have done better, if He had an independence day." But what could oppress God in the first place? I mean, unless He used His invincible power to create something even more powerful than He was, but that would be kind of stupid. Maybe if He got distracted while making a spacelizard or some crazy new form of life for Existence-II He could. I dunno. But then if God managed to overthrow that supergod spacelizard, then God would probably make an independence day that was really spectacular.
Needless to say though, I ended up turning my back to the fireworks (bright flashes of light make me feel like God is taking my picture, like serial killers do right before they kill you) and wandering around until The Terrorist found me, and we had a short fight that ended in this old couple screaming really loudly for a long time and they didn't stop even after I quietly made my exit, I could hear them for like a couple minutes after...... maybe their hips had been broken in the fight, or The Terrorist was torturing them horribly, I dunno, it was pretty dark out, which had made it hard to gouge my opponent's eyes out so I had had to use my l33t Jesus Kombat night fighting skillz (which consist of trying to copy moves off Pitch Black in the name of God) on The Terrorist. That fight was a draw, but next time I'll carry a flashlight and make a shiv out of broken beer bottles, cotton candy, and Waldo's intestines, because I could have sworn I saw Waldo out there, but he's quite the tricky little fellow and disappeared while I was temporarily blinded by one of the brighter (but still shitty) firecrackers. Next time I'll catch him though, and when I do, I got some spleenin' to do, because I'm pretty sure it's legal to kill him, because isn't someone legally dead if you can't find them after two or three years of looking? And you can't go to jail for killing a dead man, right?

MOVIE REVIEW TIME

Also, I watched the first part of the movie Gothika, from the urgings of several people that were giving me these really weird looks, but then I decided it was as shitty a movie as I had suspected it was and turned it off. Why do you people like shitty movies? It is stupid.
Also, I watched the middle part of like Perseus Vs the Pegasus (not the name of the movie because I don't know the name of the movie but I think that's what it should be called), which was an awesome movie, they used claymation for the bad guys, except for when they had the really bad guys in which case they used projectors and had the good guys jumping around and spearing the wall with like... uh, spears.

Poor China.

2005-06-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

For those that don't know, China is in the midst of being flooded terribly. They have 50000+ casualties (but don't feel too bad for them, they still have like a bajillion people left) and that's a 2 day old number, so I dunno, maybe the Chineses are all flooded out to England or something by now. When he gets back I'll have to ask Eric if a bunch of drowned chinese folks wasshed up at his hotel's doorstep every morning he was in Ireland.
But this raises the question, who is it that floods people when He's angry at them? Maybe.... GOD? Hey China, you might wanna consider not worshipping Buddha, because his communist magic powers can't stop god (nobody's can really, but commie powers have even less of a chance than non-commie powers).

EDIT ON THIS BREAKING NEWS STORY: omg liek the dog was totally wet and he shook himself all over me then the computer froze while i was typing a really ridiculously long post so now i smell like dog and my post is gone. =/ macintosh are the devil!

You take it, I'll score it. Feel free to say your results anonymously if you're scared of people knowing youu

2005-06-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

God or evil
I made this quiz. You are going to take it. Take it. Take it. (haha, if I said bitch I would sound like a porno movie.)

And remember, don't ask 'why', just answer the questions.

1. If you were able to go back in time, you would a.) kill hitler because he's a dirty dirty boy b.) fight the dinosaurs with Fred Flintstone and the Jetsons c.) kill Johnny Appleseed and become your own grandpa/grandma d.) rape people, like comedians and crack addicts.

2. If you had only one oxygen mask in a fire, would you use it on a.) yourself b.) the tiny baby nearby c.) the new Pope who had come to eat the tiny baby d.) Hitler, who returns again! e.) that one guy with shifty eyes f.) your best friend Evan, who didn't kill anyone that night in eugene.

3. If you were given the choice, would you shoot up a.) a bunch of good folks b.) a bunch of black folks.

4. You find a bunch of porno, crack, and cash on the ground... for some reason you can only take one of these things? You take a.) the porno, because without it masturbation is far, far less fun b.) the crack, because without it watching 2001: A Space Odysse is far, far less fun c.) the cash, because without it you can't hire a hit man to kill your ugly neighbor who keeps giving you the stank-eye d.) all three, fuck the rules and fuck you too quiz-man.

5. A ninja crawls to your front door and has just enough time to tell you that he needs your help to save the world from eternal war and chaos. You a.) call the cops, this dude needs help b.) call the hospital, this dude needs help c.) call the 'hospital', this dude has a body full of organs to sell on the black market d.) put him out of his misery, bang bang! e.) steal his wallet [do ninjas have wallets?] then leave him in a dumpster somewhere f.) call Dr. Monroe, we'll give the ninja twice the killing power with the spleen of a WILD blue whale.

6. While viewing your favorite pornography upon your television's Video Cassette Recorder, a cocharoach, a mouse, and a tiny baby crawl by. You eat the a.) cocharoach b.) mouse c.) tiny baby, the delicous tiny baby d.) a food which is kept elsewhere in the house: ______.

7. You're beating your crying housewife when you hear a sharp crack and she stops moving. Blood pools slowly around her prostate form. Do you a.) screw the corpse b.) lick the bloody flesh-wounds c.) wonder why you married a girl because you are not a lesbian d.) love being a lesbian but don't dig dead people... hey, that's kinda a pun e.) call the po-lice and blame your neighbor f.) pray to your god that nobody finds you g.) take her out to your trusty ol' corpse-burying pit h.) use your taxidermy skills, her name will now be 'corpsy' and she will scare away those damned pidgeons i.) something completely different, like maybe call an ambulance? ________________.

8. I like kittens. They're fluffy and nice. Don't you? a.) Yes. b.) No, I'm a bad person.

9. When a problem comes around, you must a.) whip it b.) I don't know.

10. A group of chinese have captured you, and are slowly but surely driving you mad by dripping water upon the top of your head while you are tied to a chair. Do you a.) cave and tell them where your platoon is located b.) tell them the wrong place in the hope that they will kill you later for your impudence c.) let the insanity wash over you, it will only empower you and give you the strength to kill them all. Damned commies!

11. Beating up trekkies, LotR fans and Darth Vader has made you tired. You a.) slice open your Bantha's stomache with your lazer sword and take a nap, so as not to freeze to death in the freezing weather b.) sleep in your electronic sleeping machine from the planet Klingon c.) lay down in the middle of the most-used path in all the lands, because no Ring Wraiths would ever discover you there d.) pull an all-nighter, not like it really matters e.) use The Force to strangle Chewbacca and sleep in his hairy Wookie-bed f.) continue your hunt for those delicious hobbits, fuckers took your ring g.) can't sleep now, the vulcans are attacking h.) have Mountain Dew, so do not need sleep, your mind is racing but the rest of your body has inexplicably ceased movement i.) are a leper! and if you don't eat the flesh of children, will soon fall apart at the seams like a worm-infested rag doll.

12. You have stopped the Rise of the Machines, but now there is a world left in ruin. You will a.) cannibalize, eat your way to emperor of the land b.) dance your way to leader of the world, you are king of the dance after all c.) stop the Rise of Humanity, those oppressed bastards won't see you coming d.) do that whole peace and freedom crap, make the world a better place or something e.) become victim to a host of savage indianss… er native Americans… whose cannibalistic nature has overpowered their fake white man mannerisms so now they are eating EVERYONE.

13. While taking a stroll beside the lake, you accidentally bump into a midget. Do you a.) apologize b.) not apologize, it's not like midgets are really people anyways.

14. A horde of the undead are shuffling, stumbling, and skipping their way through the streets. A man rushes to your door and begs to be let in. To determine if he is a zombie, you ask a.) if the current president is good or bad; good means he's either a zombie or a bush supporter, and it's time to get the shotgun b.) who the current president is, but that's kind of stupid because he could be a zombie from the old Bush's days c.) if he saw a man from another culture walking down the street, would he kill the man, or just beat him mercilessly and/or crack open his skull to eat his brains until the man learned that these streets are for zombies and delicious white kids, not those dirty foreigners d.) if he is a zombie, zombies never lie, they're our friends you know, our friends whose hunger for our raw bloody flesh has overridden every semblance of sanity they may once have had, much like Mormons and the Chinese.

15. Your best friend is Evan. a.) Yes, Evan is the wonderful. b.) No, I am a disgusting, vile person whose only purpose for existing in life is to be a victim of horrible illnesses and to show others what never to be. c.) No, but I have a valid reason, like maybe Evan killed my family or ate a couple of my pets or something, he's funny like that. d.) I suppose, in the fashion that everyone is friends at heart, because Buddha is really cool, you should pray at him or … I dunno, make a temple, whatever a dirty old Buddhist does.

16. Sleeping peacefully, you are awakened by a noise from under your bed. You a.) piss yourself and hold really still, scared out of your tiny mouse-like wits. b.) reach veeeeeerrrrry slowly for your speargun, then jump out of your bed and shout "I have you now, whiskey breath!" and start shooting. c.) walk to the wall and turn on the light, then look what made the noise, but it might be an oppossum so you could get your face eaten off or something. d.) go back to sleep, whatever it is can't hurt you if you're sleeping, right? e.) release the dogs, to kill and maim whatever it is and bring its battered, chewed up corpse out for you to investigate. Hopefully that wasn't your cat, or baby. f.) start flailing and calling out "Help! Help! I'm drowningggg….. drowning! Somebody help!" With any luck, some poor, confused sap will enter the room and get attacked by whatever it is that's under your bed. g.) don't believe in monsters, don't believe in monsters, don't believe in monsters, this won't give you nightmares tonight, just remember it might be Shitcoon.

I'm making a children's boook.. this is a rough draft of page 1. Criticizm useful!

2005-06-23T12:51:00.000-07:00

At the end it was a tossup, but they gave me a tiebreaker question so I got Wrath.

2005-06-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

You scored as Wrath.

Wrath

100%

Envy

100%

Sloth

88%

Pride

56%

Greed

56%

Lust

25%

Gluttony

Seven deadly sins
created with QuizFarm.com

WaRNING

2005-06-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

In the words of God, "Thou shalt not looketh upon thy neighbor's wife, but it hurteths not to imagineth a lass who existeths not, in a situation which is sexyeth alot, provided ye include a street somewhere in thy story."

So,

A Better Romance Novel

By Jesusfan77

Lustfully, the sssssexy woman timidly wandered through the rapacious mountains of 3rd street. "My," she moaned, "I'm glad that I'm a virgin who is just so ready for her first sexyal experience that she could explode."
Unbeknownst to her, the Man of her Dreams was also walking down that same street. He was not speaking, but lost in thought; thought of 'My,' he sexually thought, 'It's good to be a skinny, arian little german with an inferiority complex, but uh I also am timid, which makes me sexy.'
Kabam! They two bump into each other. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" the girl exclaimed hornily. "Eeeeeeeek!" the guy shrieked. They tumbled together to the ground, groping and touching and stabbing and gnawing each other's delicious skins in a sexual manner. Then they stood up and gasped. "That sure was hot." The guy said. "My, you sure are a sexy beast." The girl said, which was hot. Then they both ran home and had like, coffee or something.
"Coffee or something sure is tasteyy................................. not as tastey as sex though!" They both laughed. Bat Man laughed too, but he was up in the rafters, and they both looked and saw his shiny eyes and were kind of scared so they both pretended he wasn't there. "They always pretend I'm not here." BAt-man muttered. "I wish I didn't strike fear into the hearts of married couples, and random other couples, and sometimes people who aren't even couples but kind of know each other anyways. I wish I striked lust into them instead." Sad music startede playing in the background, and Bat Man's tears quietly soaked the carpet below.
Ignoring batman is horny work, so the two went into the back room. They opened th edoor to the room and the girl went back and started stripping. The guy was like taking off his clothes normally because uh he wasn't a stripper. The girl was slowly stripping off her clothes and it was hot. Then the guy wnet up and was like, "You are teh SEXXORRRS" and the girl was like "oh! oh! Oh1" and that was hot too. Then the guy touched his finger on her mounds of allusionary greatness. The girl's momentous chest heaved like a buffallo's chest while the buffalo is stampeding off a cliff. The guy was touching her innappropriately. The girl was chest-heaving. It was hot.
Trojan Man broke down the door. "Trojan Man! Are you here to steal our television?" "No kids, I'm here to remind you that you should always have sex with condoms. And only Trojan condoms, because if you use any other kind your penis will DIE." "Oh man" said the guy "I didn't have a condom before, but I better go get one now! Thanks Trojan Man!" He got up. Trojan MAn's eyes narrowed. "Didn't have a condom?! Oh-ho, take this evil-doer!" Trojan Man decapitates the dude and sets the place on fire, and Bat Man gets set on fire too, but he has a flame-retarded cape which protects him, then Barb Wire saves the girl from the fire and the girl is a lesbian. They go do it in the street, which is like really hot, and a hobo is watching and he has a video camera so that's pretty hot too.

It gets spread all over the internet, too. The bum gets tons of money, then he buys the playboy manison.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY is that In America, Anyone Can Get Rich If you HAve a Video Camera, And If You Don't You're just Fucking Screwed.

Fucking picky.

2005-06-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

Well, my christian friend was not satisfied with the conversion of my blog, but now my posts are to contain 'emotion' as well as christ. So, here's my new post.

Today as I was riding the bus, I EMOTIONALLY saw this really SLUTTY girl. It filled me with such APPREHENSION and CONFUSION, as I was not sure why anyone in their right MIND would look so slutty. So, I sat down beside her and asked, "Why are you so SLUTTY?" in my most CALM of voices. The SLUT gave me a STRANGE look, and told me to get away from her. Nodding, I said in a PERTURBED fashion, mostly to myself, "She must hate God." The SLUT ANGRILY spat after me, "I LOVE God, asshole!" but I knew she was lying because nobody who LOVES God would ever wear pants.

The End
God Loves You
(Unless You're Hungarian)

Yessir.

2005-06-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

My Beat Poete Poem (aka the beginning of the romantic book)

2005-06-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Perrvy whiskey babies
slink wildly through beat poet streets
on wheels of vomiting cats
urine
shitting all over my porch
romance
the bus stopps
and a bunch of babies tumble out
ONTO THE OLD MAN
old men waiting at a bus stop
babies
touching you badly
trampling your vomiting cat babies
sleeping on a bus until
touching
innappropriately
more than one way to skin a
vomiting
cat baby
whiskey breath
pissing on a bum
some days you're the dog, some days you're the
pervy
whiskey baby

Enrico... viva... con dios.

(I have such skills of writer, it's crazy.)

Imaginary friends, and other stuff.

2005-06-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

I had an imaginary friend when I was younger (before I had Jesus and god). He didn't do much though, mostly just told me to burn things and every few days he would leave me a dead mouse or bird and shit all over on my front porch, growling and growling until the sun came up. He was pretty cool, but one night we left the cat out, and they got into a real big fight. After half an hour of screaming and hissing (and I found out later, shitting as well) the fight seemed over, so I peeked out my second-floor window to see if the fight was over, but the street light didn't shine on my front porch so I guess I assumed it was a draw, until I heard a kind of wet, ripping cough and saw my cat's head fly from the front porch to bounce several times then roll down the hill. Satisfied that the fight wasn't over and would probably go on all night, I sighed, shut my window, and turned on the radio real loud so I wouldn't have to listen to them anymore. In the morning, all I could find was a couple tufts of fur, some bloody stains, and more shit than I had ever seen in one place before (well, it might not have been THAT much, but it was spread across the entire porch, so it seemed like a ton). I never heard from my imaginary friend, or my cat, again... I suppose their fighting turned to loving, like it does in the movies, and they went off to get married. I still kind of wish I'd gotten a chance to say goodbye to them both, but I guess the important part is that they're both happy.

I had no idea I was this bad. Hmm. Did you guys lie on your tests to make yourselves look better or something? =/

2005-06-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

My life was touched by an angel. Yeah... a shiny one.

2005-06-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that my Christian friend who shall remain unnamed has made me realize how shameful my life should be. Therefore, in my shame, I am remaking my Blog, in a nicer, shinier version of itself, that won't be as violent or sick or angry or anything and will be cute and happy instead. Thank you, Christian friend, you know who you are.

Needless to say, today's post will be altogether different from the other posts I have been making!

As I was walking down the street of portland today, I saw a homeless man pissing on another homeless man. Confused, I asked the first homeless man why he was pissing on the other, and he must have been confused as well, as he began swearing and waving his arms. Never one for violence, I showed him a picture of Jesus which I had tucked into my pocket earlier in the day to ward off witches, and he calmed immediately, saying over and over "daddy" and crying for his sins. Because truley, Jesus is everyone's father, and son, and uncle as well. I love you Jesus. That homeless man did too. I don't know about the other one, he had apparently dranken himself into unconsciousness, but he probably loved you too.

I made a song about Jesus, which can only in small part cover Jesus' holy wonder.

Jesus
you're so great
I love how you're shiny
in the sky
like a bird
not a plane
you can beat up superman
(drum solo)

2005-06-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been sitting down, perhaps at a computer, perhaps at a typewriter, fuck, maybe if you're truly ancient even at a macintosh, and you were typing a letter to someone, perhaps a special someone, and you realize that you could probably get much more better results from the letter if you were to alter the format from a "hi, how are you" kind of thing into a "if you don't give me what I want, you're fucking dead"?
A chinese woman mistakenly sent me an email while attempting to reach her son whom she hadn't spoken to in eight months and wished to make reparations with, and in the course of replying with "It seems you have been given an incorrect email address because nobody likes you because you're ugly hahahahhahaha", I realized a personal threat might be much more appropriate, and switched the format around to "Also the terrorists say that if you don't send me tons of naked pictures of you naked they will gouge out my eyes and livers." Man, I felt like such an idiot! Then I realized, I responded appropriately to letters all the time, and was forced to hide my face in shame for three whole days. The rest of myself I exposed several times to Jehova's Witnesses who show up with increasing regularity at my door (with the catch line of "Witness THIS!"), but my face was concealed.. because of the shame.
Also, I wish to give tribute to the unsung hero of this really horrid clash I had with a small family of voles, namely my shoe, Shoey McHyde. Shoey, you saved my foot from vole guts at great personal hygiene cost, and for that I will never forget you, even though I burned you alive after I couldn't get the vole guts from your treads (and if anyone says shoes aren't alive, I swear to Jehovaa I'll be scraping a family of voles who came from YOUR neck of the woods off my new [new to me, not really new] shoes).
I felt so stupid the other day, I went without sleep for like four days then fell asleep on the bus and this creepy guy was sitting by me when I woke up and I was wayyyyy the hell past my stop. See, there's the thing. Every goddamnned time I fall asleep on the bus, it's always some freaky guy touching me - never can I get the homeless old lady or the girl who smells like she washes herself in the feces and urine of a dozen alleycats, no, I always, ALWAYS have to get the guys. I think it might be the shampoo I use, it has a picture of a kangaroo on it, and everyone knows that australia is a breeding ground for homeless homosexuals that love riding busses, so they must be all "HE IS FROM AUSTRALIA. HE MUST ALSO BE A HOMELESS HOMOSEXUAL WHO LOVES RIDING BUSSES. MAYBE IF I HOLD HIM INNAPPROPRIATELY, HE WILL BE MY.... FRIEND?" No such luck on the other day in question though, when I woke up I stood up really fast and knocked the guy to the isle in between the seats and he gave me this startled look and asked in a really slow voice who I was. Man, if praying would get me a car, I would totally pray and get a car, then go on a joyride and ruin the transmission, sell it and claim it's in perfect condition, pray and get a new car, then never, ever ride the goddamned bus again.
Well see, I would continue going through everything that's pissed me off between now and the last time I posted, but that would take all damned night, and nobody in their right mind would read it, and most people in their wrong mind would then proceed to hunt me down and carve "should have posted shorter" into my flesh, which, twisted as I am, would probably turn me on, but then I would bleed to death and die which would suck. So instead I stop here and let the crazies scrawl their cryptic, yet somehow profound messages into your flesh tonight, and I promise that Eric will post longer later (hah, see how I turned that around? You thought I was going to promise something, but I didn't. Aren't I cool? Don't you love me now? Crazies, remember that TYLER WEBB leaves his window unlocked and loves late-night visitors).

As the world in whole gets just a little bit stupider. (go to hell, stupider is too a word.)

2005-05-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

THY MIGHTY AXIS OF EVIL: maybe this has something to do with the leakage of the dual plans to a) replace peoples' internal organs with bombs and/or kittens and b) replace peoples' brains with spiders so that spiders will get human bodies to wander around in and they'll freak out all the time and jump on other people and bite them over and over and it would be funny.
CRUSTY THY SLIGHTLY LESS MIGHTY THAN THE AXIS OF EVIL: Umm...yeah... your never going to be my surgeon...
THY MIGHTY AXIS OF EVIL: Aww, I'd give you a real good spider/kitten though!
CRUSTY THY SLIGHTLY LESS MIGHTY THAN THE AXIS OF EVIL: No
THY MIGHTY AXIS OF EVIL: =(( I had a spider all picked out, too. I named him... Georgespider-o.
CRUSTY THY SLIGHTLY LESS MIGHTY THAN THE AXIS OF EVIL: No
THY MIGHTY AXIS OF EVIL: There was a kitten too, but then Georgespider-o got hungry, and... hey, did I mention these would be big spiders, not like the tiny little household ones?
CRUSTY THY SLIGHTLY LESS MIGHTY THAN THE AXIS OF EVIL: ... and still no
THY MIGHTY AXIS OF EVIL: I could keep your brain in a jar, and when Georgespider-o got bored I could stick you back in your head?
THY MIGHTY AXIS OF EVIL: Then everyone would be all, "HEy, CRUSTY THY SLIGHTLY LESS MIGHTY THAN THE AXIS OF EVIL is the cool. He was Spider Man for a while."
CRUSTY THY SLIGHTLY LESS MIGHTY THAN THE AXIS OF EVIL: Dude you need to get out more
THY MIGHTY AXIS OF EVIL: I think I might get out too much actually, when I'm around real disgusting people I get gradually more and more disgruntled until I feel like I should be delivering mail or something.
CRUSTY THY SLIGHTLY LESS MIGHTY THAN THE AXIS OF EVIL: Someone should lock you up
THY MIGHTY AXIS OF EVIL: Yesssss… mail. You're right to doubt me though, I was going to give you Frankspider-o. …and I may yet.

As in ERIC's blog, the names have been changed for privacy reasons, and for reasons of I like to confuse people.
The point of this? To waste several seconds of your life. Congratulations, you have succumbed and are several seconds closer to death.

don't watch movies that make you feel bad about your SEXual organ(s).

2005-05-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

"She looks like a little girl and she has a cleavage."
It was during a movie about feminism, and this girl started snickering, and I just burst out laughing. These people are so fucking idiotic, I hated the movie, but I was just sitting in the place where I always sit when I'm studying my class which is in between classes (aka staring at a blank wall and wondering why I'm staring at a blank wall) for like three hours and they started setting up a movie and apparently it was some big event of theirs, they even stuck a flier and a coca-cola in my hand and I guess I held on to 'em but I was kind of zoned out so I didn't notice until someone scooted right up next to me where I was sitting and I gave them that "What the fuck are you doing?" look then asked "What the fuck are you doing?" and she was like "Movie." and I was like, "...go away." and she started talking (in a voice that grew gradually louder and louder) about how I was against women's rights or something and I think she said I had breast cancer but I'm not really sure.

I learned something, though, apparently there's a male counterpart for the Wonder Bra. Wonder Jock: The Strap for the Bulge You've Always Wanted. I want one of those. Then I'll bulge and people will be all "Are you wearing a wonder jock or are you just happy to see me?" and I can be all "Wonder jock, you're ugly! hahahahahahahahahahahaha........ ugly."

Random Ad That Made Me Ponder: "Your penis may be too small, too droopy, too limp, too lopsided, too narrow, too fat, too jiggly, too pale, too pointy, too blunt, or just two inches. But at least you can have a good pair of jeans."

I got more than half of those... I think I need to go buy some pants.

2005-05-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

As those of you who are cool know, I am leaving you for a while here. I know you will cry, but don't feel sad, because I will hit you.
Anyways, the point of this is that I drew a going-away picture just for all you many legions of people who view my blog. I saidd to myself, "What the fuck do people like?" and the first thing that came to mind was "Being ripped apart and eaten!"
Well, sorry. I don't have to the time to rip you apart and eat you. Here's this shit anyways.

so I sez, "Wut up bizzatch?" an' da hoe sez, "DAT AIN'T NO WAY TA TALK TO NO HOE YO FOO'!!"

2005-05-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

It always puts me in a better mood to read the news.

2005-05-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

U.S. troops kill 75 insurgents in Iraq offensive
Recent wave of insurgent attacks kills 300
Hmm, so who's winning this war again?
Aussie Officials Trade Pizza for Hostage
I would've kept the hostage. I can make pizza from hostage flesh. Well, I think I can. So far my potential hostages just run off whenever I say "Now I'll make pizza. From your still living FLESH!"
...maybe I should stop telling them that.
Ship crushes S Africa trawler, 14 missing
Haha, south africa. You got pwn'd by a shipful of refrigerators.

2005-05-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

i hate you all.

idiots.

sluts.

whores.

sponges.

jackasses.

zealots.

you never should have been born.

go to hell.

burn in a third world country.

have dark skin at a kkk rally.

jump naked into a pit of starving wild dogs.

drink drain-o.

piss on an electric fence.

shoot bb guns at cops.

play with fire.

i hate you all.

thats it for today.

"I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... can't compete with that stuff."

2005-05-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Whoever keeps breaking my window (you know who you are) I'm going to hunt you down and kill you like a dog.

2005-05-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

Homos are d-d-d-d-dangerous!

2005-05-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

"FDA to Implement Gay Sperm Donor Rules

To the dismay of gay-rights activists, the Food and Drug Administration is about to implement new rules recommending that any man who has engaged in homosexual sex in the previous five years be barred from serving as an anonymous sperm donor.

The FDA has rejected calls to scrap the provision, insisting that gay men collectively pose a higher-than-average risk of carrying the AIDS virus. Critics accuse the FDA of stigmatizing all gay men rather than adopting a screening process that focuses on high-risk sexual behavior by any would-be donor, gay or straight."

In light of this, I'd like to propose a movement to change the name from "AIDS" back to "GRID".

"go Left!" "no, Right!" "aaaaugh, the train, she does cut off my shins."

2005-05-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

BLADE TRINITY

2005-05-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

The movie starts out not so shitty. A creature is awoken by evil people, but the creature is evil-r than they are, right?
Problem: After the first bit of the movie, they introduce the "other" characters, which include such stellar roles as The Lady With A Bow: because no good movie is complete without the girl who refuses to use a gun because that would be too manly (and listens to an iPod while she fights vampires)! and the Blind Girl Who Is real good With Computers: because really, aren't cripples useful for something? (the answer is no, and this movie proves that point beautifully). There is also a short, stumpy little near-midget with testosterone problems who really likes new stuff, a cocky, annoying guy who WILL NOT DIE and always talks about 'hip' things, some random second token black guy (but this one has a pimped out SUV and listens to rap music, so he's really cool... no wait, I mean fucking annoying.) a child (child of the cripple, mind you, but there is no father because nobody likes the cripple), a bunch of the most disgustingly bad actors playing as vampires, and a plot which starts out doing pretty well, but much like one of the empire state jumpers, soon starts shreiking and jibbering nonsense as it realizes that in a matter of seconds it's going to be splattered on the pavement and will be remembered as nothing more than "eewww, I think I stepped in that bloodpuddle."

In short, I'm fucking goddamned pissed. And not only that, now I want to an action movie that isn't completely, absolutely shit.

What Would Jesus Do? If he had too much fucking time on his hands

2005-05-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

omg omg omg I think I'm gonna wet my jeans I'm so excited!

2005-04-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

"BRITAIN

Court allows creation of embryos for cures

British couples may create embryos through in vitro fertilization to help cure sick siblings, Britain's highest appeal court ruled Thursday, rejecting a challenge from an anti-abortion group. The Law Lords backed a 2003 Court of Appeal ruling that some couples undergoing the fertility treatment could have their embryos screened to find tissue matches for seriously ill children.

Opponents fear that the procedure could lead to the creation of babies for spare parts. "

And you assholes said my idea of a baby sandwich was unrealistic and sick. Who's the jackass now, huh?

Swiss engineers completed drilling Thursday for the 21-mile Loetschberg tunnel -- the world's longest. The cavernous shaft, begun 11 years ago, burrows under the Swiss Alps and into Germany. It is set to open to trains in 2007.

...all I gotta say is, that's a little unusual. In the sense that the cavernous shaft could also be viewed as a subconscious representation of a Swiss woman's vagina.

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

2005-04-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

My funny has temporarily fled my skinny, cancerous little arian self, much as a reptile may crawl forth from the hole-home it has carved within the broadside of a deer carcass in order to find vegetables to supplement its diet and mice to rape to soothe the truly massive randy british horniness which shakes its tiny lizard body with a diabetic's regularity.
a.k.a., go read some other freak's journal you excruciatingly stimulating internet-capable anglo-saxons!

P.S. I say anglo-saxons because you are only allowed to read this journal if you are a member of one of the Germanic peoples who invaded England in the 5th century, A.D. And if you aren't, then GO TO HELL YOU GODDAMNED ENGLISH WHORE.

Yeah that's right. I mean you.

2005-04-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

I only post things like this because I hate you.

Why my neighbor does not have a rock through his window or slimy camel penis head.

2005-04-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

So I'm going through the positions of the kama sutra with my seven young, ravishing nubian wives (an experience you americans can only dream of with your foolish monogamatic marriages) when suddenly I have this strikingly abundant thought: If one were to hurl a medium sized stone from the top of my wondrous shanty across the sandy plains of my neighbor (the neighbor I have put a Jihad on- no not that neighbor, the other one) would such a stone not hit the ground before hitting that slimy camel penis of a man's house? Or might it not continue on its path, if hurled with appropriate force, to quite possibly smash the infidel's window? I attempted to consult wives 2 and 5 on the subject, as they are the most sharp of the bunch, but sadly, once again I had pleasured them beyond the ability to form coherent sentences. No, these were not random american tourist girls I had kidnapped off the street and the reason they were unable to speak was that I couldn't remove their gags or they might start screaming again, and when they start screaming the only choice is to stab them over and over and over in the throat and ankles then rig their bodies with explosives and send them off in a taxi towards Palestinia. Anyways, I was consumed with curiousity at that point, and so ordered them to pleasure each other and sell videos of it on-line for immense profit while I set out to determine what exactly a rock might do in the previously mentioned situation.
Sadly I was to be thwarted before the rock could even be hurled.
While in theory my idea was sound, I had neglected to recall that the roof of the shanty must be reached with a stone in hand. The rock I had procured from the site of a recent stoning (it was the killing rock, I have found the rock which ended an infidel's life, praise be to Allah!), but there was no conceivable way to reach the top of my shanty! My horrible curiousity would have ended there but for my wondrous ingenuity.
"**How," I had howled to the night, "shall I ever reach this shanty's tall height?!" Just then a man approached. He claimed to be of the name Szhagjin dil Zabdihad, and said he was a constructor of ladders and hydraulic platforms, and that he had an excess of both products due to the mounting number of infidels God had continually sent his way. As he spoke, I noticed suddenly that he had thought God and not the Almighty Jesus Christ had flooded his homeland with infidels! I was forced to bludgeon him to death with my medium sized rock on the spot.
His body, smashed and broken, lay before me, and suddenly bits and pieces of the conversation began fitting together. "constructor of ladders and hydraulic platforms" "excess of both products" "Why are you bludgeoning me to death with that rock oh Allah why is this happening"... I could make steps to the top of the shanty using the bodies of infidels! Post-haste I made my way about the nearby area, finding and murdering no less than seventeen people who seemed mildly conspicuous, then one-by-one dragging the bodies to the edge of my shanty. But at that time I was very tired and very bloody so I stopped the bloodshed and went inside to make love to my many captive tourists. And by that I mean wives.

**Translated from Arabanese for your viewing pleasure, but you're probably a fucking heathenous infidel anyways, so fuck you good sir.

Babies: Just A Choking Hazard for Dingos, or Something More?

2005-04-15T10:38:00.001-07:00

I scrape by on a razor's edge of bare tolerance for the basic human shape. What the fuck makes random assholes whom I have previously updated on the fact that their buck-toothed slackjawed rash and sore infested face forces me to reminisque back to the days I hunted inbred moles in my backyard with a Colt that I would ever desire to view their bile-dripping offspring?
Humans are twisted, shambling messes of creatures whose crudely stretched features could only be forged by a sadist with a smidgeon too much time on its hands. Babies are disformed, hairless, lumpy little e-z-break versions of humans, who severely lack any semblance of intelligence, dignity or grace. Many of you mindless fucking idiots love the little shreiking piss and shit machines because deep inside of your misfiring neurons and decaying brain waves, the idea that those worthless peices of crap contain the potential to perform some fantastic acts or give amazing head when they get older really appeals to you. Well guess what? Take a look around, jackass, because who you see surrounding you now is what that tiny fuck is liable to turn into. Not a hot chick who gives fantastic head; rather, if she is indeed hot, the bitch will hate you for being old and creepy. Not a lawyer who fucks vast amounts of people over and returns home to support you, think more along the lines of that balding man with the desparate eyes in the 7-11 who hasn't spoken to his parents since he was fifteen. Those little peices of crap are a dime a dozen, and they aren't hard to make(if you argue, fuck you. And by what exponent is our population rising?). Fuck it. I forgot why I was talking. Anyways, They are a choking hazard for dingos, and that's pretty much it. Next time someone wants you to touch their slimy vomitspawn, or fuck, you want someone to see your beauteous little pile of shit, just Remember, Think of the goddamned Dingos: Because dingo people are people too.

Short And To The Pointless

2005-04-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

As we mill about our arbitrarily assigned lives, occasionally in the twisted, bloody montage of humanity, a singular fragment, a lone fraction, a pitiful sole benefactor of this world's most despicable race will step foreward to ask a simple question: "What the Fuck."
During a rather pointless stroll along the collegiate promenade this day, One Such insipidly cynical lone individual who Currently attended the aforementioned College in Question was accosted by a rather purposeful and Seemingly pleasureful feminine member of the opposite sex. Being as This Lone Individual was as antisocial as all the whores of Babylon after a particularly foul bout of Babylonian Syphilis and He had Neglected to pack a loaded firearm as his flippant self had fled from his Rat Hole of a home that Very Morning, he could not Simply shoot the Miss who had so rudely spoken to Him, and so Asked Her why the Fuck she was Talking to him. The response of Yon Harpy was Simply that she Could Not recall at what time and what form the Assignment of Alchemical Homework was To have been assigned and to be due at. Not Wishing to withdraw From His Knapsack what indubitably would take Many Minutes to procure, namely said work, He Proclaimed whatfore He did not take A course of Alchemy, also that The Hell-Hag In question was Idiotic and Oblivious to her own Damned surroundings. Of Course, due to the Lone Individual's Prior Commentaries Within that particular Class regarding that The three Most Popular MOvies having suxxored With Extremeness: LotR, Star Trek, and also Star Wars, He Was Already rather reviled by All The putrid Campus-onians, so This Ugly, grimy Slut of a girl Began bitching for about The Lies that the Lone individual constantly spat upon Her and her slathering colleagues in nothing short of an unending stream. "What The fuck" manifests itself at this point. Are sole benefactors of the Putrescent masses Truley Responsible to Care and cater for the Every minor quandary which befalls all of th0se sickening Thralls and Peons Which crawl upon a potentially virtuous Singular humanitarian Fragment's disturbingly Oversized Feet as he awkwardly Flops his way about His respective towns Swamps Castles Cities Plains and So-Called Shanties? MY counterply to this query Would be Fucking Hell NO asshole.
Thank you, fuck you, and I hope that whoever you are, you are raped repeatedly for days at a time by a pack of AIDS-crazed wolves who then suck on your eyes until you develop fucking blisters spread abreadth the innards of your skullbones.

2005-04-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

Fuck you.