BLADE TRINITY
The movie starts out not so shitty. A creature is awoken by evil people, but the creature is evil-r than they are, right?
Problem: After the first bit of the movie, they introduce the "other" characters, which include such stellar roles as The Lady With A Bow: because no good movie is complete without the girl who refuses to use a gun because that would be too manly (and listens to an iPod while she fights vampires)! and the Blind Girl Who Is real good With Computers: because really, aren't cripples useful for something? (the answer is no, and this movie proves that point beautifully). There is also a short, stumpy little near-midget with testosterone problems who really likes new stuff, a cocky, annoying guy who WILL NOT DIE and always talks about 'hip' things, some random second token black guy (but this one has a pimped out SUV and listens to rap music, so he's really cool... no wait, I mean fucking annoying.) a child (child of the cripple, mind you, but there is no father because nobody likes the cripple), a bunch of the most disgustingly bad actors playing as vampires, and a plot which starts out doing pretty well, but much like one of the empire state jumpers, soon starts shreiking and jibbering nonsense as it realizes that in a matter of seconds it's going to be splattered on the pavement and will be remembered as nothing more than "eewww, I think I stepped in that bloodpuddle."
In short, I'm fucking goddamned pissed. And not only that, now I want to an action movie that isn't completely, absolutely shit.
Problem: After the first bit of the movie, they introduce the "other" characters, which include such stellar roles as The Lady With A Bow: because no good movie is complete without the girl who refuses to use a gun because that would be too manly (and listens to an iPod while she fights vampires)! and the Blind Girl Who Is real good With Computers: because really, aren't cripples useful for something? (the answer is no, and this movie proves that point beautifully). There is also a short, stumpy little near-midget with testosterone problems who really likes new stuff, a cocky, annoying guy who WILL NOT DIE and always talks about 'hip' things, some random second token black guy (but this one has a pimped out SUV and listens to rap music, so he's really cool... no wait, I mean fucking annoying.) a child (child of the cripple, mind you, but there is no father because nobody likes the cripple), a bunch of the most disgustingly bad actors playing as vampires, and a plot which starts out doing pretty well, but much like one of the empire state jumpers, soon starts shreiking and jibbering nonsense as it realizes that in a matter of seconds it's going to be splattered on the pavement and will be remembered as nothing more than "eewww, I think I stepped in that bloodpuddle."
In short, I'm fucking goddamned pissed. And not only that, now I want to an action movie that isn't completely, absolutely shit.
posted by â˜CRUSH you. at 11:27 PM
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