an encounter of the midget kind.

I was wandering around the campus all "I'm WAY more badass than all of youz.", when this tiny little guy comes up to me! I thought he was a child at first, until I noticed the five-day-old shave and the bald spot. But he'd shaved his whole head, so I guess I wasn't supposed to notice that only parts of it had grown back.
he was hard to understand, because I'm not very fluent in Midget, but it turns out he was pissed because I hit on his girl. Me? Hit on someone's girl? Nosir. I explained it to him thusly: "you're obviously ... very short, and balding.. but I have no fucking clue what you're talking about." at which point he proceeded to kick me. IN THE SHINS. then he just ran off! asshole. I hate little people.
Yeah, so that was my day in a nutshell. if you're a midget and this has offended you, good. maybe next time you won't kick an innocent stranger in the shins and run off, you sadistically bite-sized miscreants.

Aaaahh, fuck you all.

God, I'm so fucking bored. And tired. I got no fucking sleep last night, thanks to some asshole who snuck into my yard and tried stealing my phonebook.
See, I don't use phonebooks. They just don't work for me. But the city thinks I desire a phonebook, despite several attempts on my part to dissuade them of this belief, so I get one every fucking week. I don't think they even update it every week. I think they update it every few months. So why the fuck am I getting one every week? Fucking bastards!
Anyways, I don't always pick up my phonebook which I don't use as soon as I see it, so it'll usually sit out a couple days before I throw it in the trash. Does this mean I don't want to throw it in the trash? Does this mean I wish to not be given the opportunity to throw it in the trash? No. No it does not. Well, partially. I don't really want to deal with it, but I do like throwing things away, because I know it's all going to some landfill somewhere that'll help kill our fragile ecosystem. So I was understandably a little pissed when I saw some jackass sneak a meter and a half into my lawn (in clear view of the sign reading 'trespassers will be shot, and i will sell their delicious organs to the mexicans down the street'), grab my phonebook, and slink off. Man! Outrageous! What kind of city is this, where it's not safe to leave your phonebook on your lawn for a few days? I grabbed my shotgun and sprang for the door, kicked it down (okay, that wasn't neccessary, but it was pretty cool, this is why I replaced the thick oak door with a cheap plywood one) and began the hunt!
That wily little hobo thought he was gonna get away because it was dark out, but I outsmarted him. He got a block and a half away before I slammed into him with my* car - didn't count on headlights, didja buddy? - and recovered my phonebook. I had such a sense of like, uh, what's the feeling you get when you do good deeds? Well, whatever that's called, I had that feeling in spades. This has led me to believe that maybe I should try becoming a cop. I mean, how many people can chase down and hit a fleeing hobo in a hotwired chevvy? I would be like, the best cop everr.
But, yeah. Sadly, I was so happy about getting back my phonebook that I didn't follow through and sell his delicious organs to the mexicans down the street. I bet they went for a walk later and were like, "A hoboful of delicioso organs! mama mia! senorita! tortillia no mas! pour que, pour que!" and shit... I never get the credit I deserve for these things. Anyways, I went home, put the phonebook back in the imprint of dead grass on the lawn, and couldn't get back to sleep 'cuz I jjust kept thinkin'... what if someone was out there trying to steal my phonebook before I got a chance to throw it away? So I made popcorn and watched Night of the Living Dead, I always think the ending to that is so funny (but I won't ruin it because you guys probably haven't watched it yet.. aren't I nice? Yet another reason I'd be a good cop. Oh well, fuck you guys, the black guy leaves the basement and gets shot).



*finders keepers.

Terrorized by a rat, or opposum, or something.

Okay, so every fucking night since I moved here, some creature has been crawling through my walls. It's only late at night, when there's no longer movement in the house, and the lights are all off, and it always crawls right up the wall beside my bed. I don't know what the fuck it is! I don't know how it got in there!
I want it dead so bad!
Seriously. This little bastard. It wakes me up like seven or eight times in the night. One time I picked up a 20lb weight and was considering hurling it at the noise in the wall. I decided against it, because it could be a raccoon, and those bastards are eerily clever, and instead of killing it I might just really, really piss it off, and incur its rabies-fuelled bloodlust, but yeah.

Ugh. I'm wearing headphones when I go to sleep until I figure out a way to kill that thing.
It can crawl through my walls, but it cannot crawl through... my freedom.

Half-Naked Thursday

If you don't know what this is for, too bad. I'm not explaining it.



This was constructed from pictures of parts of me. Aren't I pretty?
...my icon is too part of me.


...no I will not spell naked incorrectly, you fascist bastards.

I swear on Fritz's life that this test is 100% accurate.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are flexible and ready for anything! You would be forced to break up with someone who was arrogant, acting like the dictator of your life. Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Wow! This test is SO incredibly accurate!
I guess that cold-hearted immoral deviants like me really just want to be loved.
Either that or we're loved too often and have taken to using those who love us until they're physically, emotionally, and monetarily dry.

Why not try loving me and find out? (you can make a difference... if only you try.)

Ode To Eric (because he deserves it. and has had it coming for a while now.)

yo yo yo
diggity
jesus is yo home-boy
yo got more ho's than yo skin is black
bangin' on they back doors
knockin' up sluts
yo yo, yo, yo
chika pow wow chika wow wow pow wow
oooohhhh.... snap!
yo yo, got th' mad skillz of a artistographer
an' yo got mo' philosophizzy in the shizzy with the hizzy then you get right bizzy
but they other playas hatin' on yo
yo yo yo yo
diggity
they ain't got nothing on yo homey
yo and got dey hippies at yo junio' college
yo yo
drinkin' beer gettin' high smokin' dope hittin' acid
yo know that shit sterilizes yo spermology in the house
but dawg yo ain't got no pheer
yo yo yo
cuz yo believe in jesus
not heysoos you crazy mexican ho it's fuckin' jesus

I'll drizzle yo a pitcher in da house homey, just yo wait-izzle.

I feel cooool.

Joe Normal 13 % Nerd, 4% Geek, 4% Dork

For The Record: A nerd is a foolish, inept, or unnattractive person. A geek is a person regarded as foolish, inept, or clumsy, a person accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is socially inept, or a canival performer whose show conssists of bizarre acts. A dork is a stupid, inept, or foolish person, or a whale's penis. You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal. This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast. I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal. Congratulations! If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 4% on nerdiness You scored higher than 1% on geekosity You scored higher than 0% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid

sooo I'm 4% foolish, inept, or unnattractive, 1% carnie, and 0% whale penis.

I bet eric gets 100% whale penis. (On the other hand, I'm probably only saying that to piss him off.)

Sluts are funny because they have sex all over the place. Sometimes even in.... closets.

The local Safeway is remodeling. Apparently they plan to have a big Opening Sale. Because they're remodeling. Even though they never closed. Maybe they're planning on changing their name, and what they sell. No more Safeway, now it's Dangerousway: Food & Drug + Sex & Violence.
I went in to check it out (and to buy some of that sex, offer free violence, try out some of their drugs and eat some of their food), and I saw one of those little donation cans for the poor starving orphaned hurricane babies. It said I could pay 5$ to give toothbrush and toothpaste to starving adoption baby. 10$ to give baby supplies to starving adoption baby. Or 15$ to give food and shelter to starving adoption baby. I asked the clerk if I could give 15$ to give toothbrush and toothpaste to three starving adoption babies, but not give any of them food, and she just gave me a dirty look. Here I am trying to be generous, and she gives me dirty looks. I just don't think starving adoption babies need food as much as they need clean teeth and gums.
They didn't have any sex for sale (I asked), and people freaked out when I started punching this fat guy (apparently he was just a really ugly pregnant woman), but I did buy some ZAP!© (I plan to grind it up, put it in some cookies, and give it to this old lady I know, I bet it's gonna be real funny, either that or really sad. I hope she has a strong heart) and some pasta sauce and some linguini. I got the pasta sauce and linguini because I like acting Italian. A telemarketer called later, I told her "I got-a me some-a pasta sauce and-a the linguini, mario luigi, spaghetti-o's and you want-ta come over and-a have the sex?" That bitch hung up on me though. I thought Italian accents were supposed to be sexy. I ended up throwing the linguini at the dog because I don't like linguini and he doesn't like linguini but he eats whatever I throw at him because he's a freak, and the pasta sauce kind of psyched me out because it didn't have an expiration date on it (it was made before they started dating things!!!) so I hurled it at my neighbor's car. It was a glass bottle, it broke his window, but didn't break. That kind of pissed me off. Damned cheap new-age cars. After a couple minutes I saw him creep out of his house, look in his car, grab the bottle and go back into his house..... I bet he put it on some linguini because he probably likes that shit, fucking weirdo.