You take it, I'll score it. Feel free to say your results anonymously if you're scared of people knowing youu
God or evil
I made this quiz. You are going to take it. Take it. Take it. (haha, if I said bitch I would sound like a porno movie.)
And remember, don't ask 'why', just answer the questions.
1. If you were able to go back in time, you would a.) kill hitler because he's a dirty dirty boy b.) fight the dinosaurs with Fred Flintstone and the Jetsons c.) kill Johnny Appleseed and become your own grandpa/grandma d.) rape people, like comedians and crack addicts.
2. If you had only one oxygen mask in a fire, would you use it on a.) yourself b.) the tiny baby nearby c.) the new Pope who had come to eat the tiny baby d.) Hitler, who returns again! e.) that one guy with shifty eyes f.) your best friend Evan, who didn't kill anyone that night in eugene.
3. If you were given the choice, would you shoot up a.) a bunch of good folks b.) a bunch of black folks.
4. You find a bunch of porno, crack, and cash on the ground... for some reason you can only take one of these things? You take a.) the porno, because without it masturbation is far, far less fun b.) the crack, because without it watching 2001: A Space Odysse is far, far less fun c.) the cash, because without it you can't hire a hit man to kill your ugly neighbor who keeps giving you the stank-eye d.) all three, fuck the rules and fuck you too quiz-man.
5. A ninja crawls to your front door and has just enough time to tell you that he needs your help to save the world from eternal war and chaos. You a.) call the cops, this dude needs help b.) call the hospital, this dude needs help c.) call the 'hospital', this dude has a body full of organs to sell on the black market d.) put him out of his misery, bang bang! e.) steal his wallet [do ninjas have wallets?] then leave him in a dumpster somewhere f.) call Dr. Monroe, we'll give the ninja twice the killing power with the spleen of a WILD blue whale.
6. While viewing your favorite pornography upon your television's Video Cassette Recorder, a cocharoach, a mouse, and a tiny baby crawl by. You eat the a.) cocharoach b.) mouse c.) tiny baby, the delicous tiny baby d.) a food which is kept elsewhere in the house: ______.
7. You're beating your crying housewife when you hear a sharp crack and she stops moving. Blood pools slowly around her prostate form. Do you a.) screw the corpse b.) lick the bloody flesh-wounds c.) wonder why you married a girl because you are not a lesbian d.) love being a lesbian but don't dig dead people... hey, that's kinda a pun e.) call the po-lice and blame your neighbor f.) pray to your god that nobody finds you g.) take her out to your trusty ol' corpse-burying pit h.) use your taxidermy skills, her name will now be 'corpsy' and she will scare away those damned pidgeons i.) something completely different, like maybe call an ambulance? ________________.
8. I like kittens. They're fluffy and nice. Don't you? a.) Yes. b.) No, I'm a bad person.
9. When a problem comes around, you must a.) whip it b.) I don't know.
10. A group of chinese have captured you, and are slowly but surely driving you mad by dripping water upon the top of your head while you are tied to a chair. Do you a.) cave and tell them where your platoon is located b.) tell them the wrong place in the hope that they will kill you later for your impudence c.) let the insanity wash over you, it will only empower you and give you the strength to kill them all. Damned commies!
11. Beating up trekkies, LotR fans and Darth Vader has made you tired. You a.) slice open your Bantha's stomache with your lazer sword and take a nap, so as not to freeze to death in the freezing weather b.) sleep in your electronic sleeping machine from the planet Klingon c.) lay down in the middle of the most-used path in all the lands, because no Ring Wraiths would ever discover you there d.) pull an all-nighter, not like it really matters e.) use The Force to strangle Chewbacca and sleep in his hairy Wookie-bed f.) continue your hunt for those delicious hobbits, fuckers took your ring g.) can't sleep now, the vulcans are attacking h.) have Mountain Dew, so do not need sleep, your mind is racing but the rest of your body has inexplicably ceased movement i.) are a leper! and if you don't eat the flesh of children, will soon fall apart at the seams like a worm-infested rag doll.
12. You have stopped the Rise of the Machines, but now there is a world left in ruin. You will a.) cannibalize, eat your way to emperor of the land b.) dance your way to leader of the world, you are king of the dance after all c.) stop the Rise of Humanity, those oppressed bastards won't see you coming d.) do that whole peace and freedom crap, make the world a better place or something e.) become victim to a host of savage indianss… er native Americans… whose cannibalistic nature has overpowered their fake white man mannerisms so now they are eating EVERYONE.
13. While taking a stroll beside the lake, you accidentally bump into a midget. Do you a.) apologize b.) not apologize, it's not like midgets are really people anyways.
14. A horde of the undead are shuffling, stumbling, and skipping their way through the streets. A man rushes to your door and begs to be let in. To determine if he is a zombie, you ask a.) if the current president is good or bad; good means he's either a zombie or a bush supporter, and it's time to get the shotgun b.) who the current president is, but that's kind of stupid because he could be a zombie from the old Bush's days c.) if he saw a man from another culture walking down the street, would he kill the man, or just beat him mercilessly and/or crack open his skull to eat his brains until the man learned that these streets are for zombies and delicious white kids, not those dirty foreigners d.) if he is a zombie, zombies never lie, they're our friends you know, our friends whose hunger for our raw bloody flesh has overridden every semblance of sanity they may once have had, much like Mormons and the Chinese.
15. Your best friend is Evan. a.) Yes, Evan is the wonderful. b.) No, I am a disgusting, vile person whose only purpose for existing in life is to be a victim of horrible illnesses and to show others what never to be. c.) No, but I have a valid reason, like maybe Evan killed my family or ate a couple of my pets or something, he's funny like that. d.) I suppose, in the fashion that everyone is friends at heart, because Buddha is really cool, you should pray at him or … I dunno, make a temple, whatever a dirty old Buddhist does.
16. Sleeping peacefully, you are awakened by a noise from under your bed. You a.) piss yourself and hold really still, scared out of your tiny mouse-like wits. b.) reach veeeeeerrrrry slowly for your speargun, then jump out of your bed and shout "I have you now, whiskey breath!" and start shooting. c.) walk to the wall and turn on the light, then look what made the noise, but it might be an oppossum so you could get your face eaten off or something. d.) go back to sleep, whatever it is can't hurt you if you're sleeping, right? e.) release the dogs, to kill and maim whatever it is and bring its battered, chewed up corpse out for you to investigate. Hopefully that wasn't your cat, or baby. f.) start flailing and calling out "Help! Help! I'm drowningggg….. drowning! Somebody help!" With any luck, some poor, confused sap will enter the room and get attacked by whatever it is that's under your bed. g.) don't believe in monsters, don't believe in monsters, don't believe in monsters, this won't give you nightmares tonight, just remember it might be Shitcoon.
I made this quiz. You are going to take it. Take it. Take it. (haha, if I said bitch I would sound like a porno movie.)
And remember, don't ask 'why', just answer the questions.
1. If you were able to go back in time, you would a.) kill hitler because he's a dirty dirty boy b.) fight the dinosaurs with Fred Flintstone and the Jetsons c.) kill Johnny Appleseed and become your own grandpa/grandma d.) rape people, like comedians and crack addicts.
2. If you had only one oxygen mask in a fire, would you use it on a.) yourself b.) the tiny baby nearby c.) the new Pope who had come to eat the tiny baby d.) Hitler, who returns again! e.) that one guy with shifty eyes f.) your best friend Evan, who didn't kill anyone that night in eugene.
3. If you were given the choice, would you shoot up a.) a bunch of good folks b.) a bunch of black folks.
4. You find a bunch of porno, crack, and cash on the ground... for some reason you can only take one of these things? You take a.) the porno, because without it masturbation is far, far less fun b.) the crack, because without it watching 2001: A Space Odysse is far, far less fun c.) the cash, because without it you can't hire a hit man to kill your ugly neighbor who keeps giving you the stank-eye d.) all three, fuck the rules and fuck you too quiz-man.
5. A ninja crawls to your front door and has just enough time to tell you that he needs your help to save the world from eternal war and chaos. You a.) call the cops, this dude needs help b.) call the hospital, this dude needs help c.) call the 'hospital', this dude has a body full of organs to sell on the black market d.) put him out of his misery, bang bang! e.) steal his wallet [do ninjas have wallets?] then leave him in a dumpster somewhere f.) call Dr. Monroe, we'll give the ninja twice the killing power with the spleen of a WILD blue whale.
6. While viewing your favorite pornography upon your television's Video Cassette Recorder, a cocharoach, a mouse, and a tiny baby crawl by. You eat the a.) cocharoach b.) mouse c.) tiny baby, the delicous tiny baby d.) a food which is kept elsewhere in the house: ______.
7. You're beating your crying housewife when you hear a sharp crack and she stops moving. Blood pools slowly around her prostate form. Do you a.) screw the corpse b.) lick the bloody flesh-wounds c.) wonder why you married a girl because you are not a lesbian d.) love being a lesbian but don't dig dead people... hey, that's kinda a pun e.) call the po-lice and blame your neighbor f.) pray to your god that nobody finds you g.) take her out to your trusty ol' corpse-burying pit h.) use your taxidermy skills, her name will now be 'corpsy' and she will scare away those damned pidgeons i.) something completely different, like maybe call an ambulance? ________________.
8. I like kittens. They're fluffy and nice. Don't you? a.) Yes. b.) No, I'm a bad person.
9. When a problem comes around, you must a.) whip it b.) I don't know.
10. A group of chinese have captured you, and are slowly but surely driving you mad by dripping water upon the top of your head while you are tied to a chair. Do you a.) cave and tell them where your platoon is located b.) tell them the wrong place in the hope that they will kill you later for your impudence c.) let the insanity wash over you, it will only empower you and give you the strength to kill them all. Damned commies!
11. Beating up trekkies, LotR fans and Darth Vader has made you tired. You a.) slice open your Bantha's stomache with your lazer sword and take a nap, so as not to freeze to death in the freezing weather b.) sleep in your electronic sleeping machine from the planet Klingon c.) lay down in the middle of the most-used path in all the lands, because no Ring Wraiths would ever discover you there d.) pull an all-nighter, not like it really matters e.) use The Force to strangle Chewbacca and sleep in his hairy Wookie-bed f.) continue your hunt for those delicious hobbits, fuckers took your ring g.) can't sleep now, the vulcans are attacking h.) have Mountain Dew, so do not need sleep, your mind is racing but the rest of your body has inexplicably ceased movement i.) are a leper! and if you don't eat the flesh of children, will soon fall apart at the seams like a worm-infested rag doll.
12. You have stopped the Rise of the Machines, but now there is a world left in ruin. You will a.) cannibalize, eat your way to emperor of the land b.) dance your way to leader of the world, you are king of the dance after all c.) stop the Rise of Humanity, those oppressed bastards won't see you coming d.) do that whole peace and freedom crap, make the world a better place or something e.) become victim to a host of savage indianss… er native Americans… whose cannibalistic nature has overpowered their fake white man mannerisms so now they are eating EVERYONE.
13. While taking a stroll beside the lake, you accidentally bump into a midget. Do you a.) apologize b.) not apologize, it's not like midgets are really people anyways.
14. A horde of the undead are shuffling, stumbling, and skipping their way through the streets. A man rushes to your door and begs to be let in. To determine if he is a zombie, you ask a.) if the current president is good or bad; good means he's either a zombie or a bush supporter, and it's time to get the shotgun b.) who the current president is, but that's kind of stupid because he could be a zombie from the old Bush's days c.) if he saw a man from another culture walking down the street, would he kill the man, or just beat him mercilessly and/or crack open his skull to eat his brains until the man learned that these streets are for zombies and delicious white kids, not those dirty foreigners d.) if he is a zombie, zombies never lie, they're our friends you know, our friends whose hunger for our raw bloody flesh has overridden every semblance of sanity they may once have had, much like Mormons and the Chinese.
15. Your best friend is Evan. a.) Yes, Evan is the wonderful. b.) No, I am a disgusting, vile person whose only purpose for existing in life is to be a victim of horrible illnesses and to show others what never to be. c.) No, but I have a valid reason, like maybe Evan killed my family or ate a couple of my pets or something, he's funny like that. d.) I suppose, in the fashion that everyone is friends at heart, because Buddha is really cool, you should pray at him or … I dunno, make a temple, whatever a dirty old Buddhist does.
16. Sleeping peacefully, you are awakened by a noise from under your bed. You a.) piss yourself and hold really still, scared out of your tiny mouse-like wits. b.) reach veeeeeerrrrry slowly for your speargun, then jump out of your bed and shout "I have you now, whiskey breath!" and start shooting. c.) walk to the wall and turn on the light, then look what made the noise, but it might be an oppossum so you could get your face eaten off or something. d.) go back to sleep, whatever it is can't hurt you if you're sleeping, right? e.) release the dogs, to kill and maim whatever it is and bring its battered, chewed up corpse out for you to investigate. Hopefully that wasn't your cat, or baby. f.) start flailing and calling out "Help! Help! I'm drowningggg….. drowning! Somebody help!" With any luck, some poor, confused sap will enter the room and get attacked by whatever it is that's under your bed. g.) don't believe in monsters, don't believe in monsters, don't believe in monsters, this won't give you nightmares tonight, just remember it might be Shitcoon.
posted by ☭CRUSH you. at 1:01 PM
3 Comments:
Neato!
You are the phrase, Neato! While you've sort of lost popularity since the 70's, there's still some hipsters that think you're just the keenest phrase around. I sure do, I think you're just swell! On the other hand, I might just think you're cool because you lied and gave option 'a' on question 15!
As a side note, you'll go far selling ninja organs on the black market, but keep the heart for yourself - because as we all know, when you eat a ninja's heart, you gain their awe-inspiring ninja skills!
Okay, then... I'll take your little quiz. Prepare yourself, however, for I plan on tacking on little bits of randomness to every response so as to make you incredibly angry at me for making such an obnoxiously long comment.
1. a.) "kill Hitler"
Yeah... I’m actually seriously opposed to legitimizing murder of any kind (read Neither Victims nor Executioners, ’cause it’s good), but if ever I was forced to kill anyone, Hitler would probably be up there somewhere. Fascism is pretty much the suck, as is genocide... and I must say, that moustache always really bothered me.
2. a.) myself
Well, I would put the mask on the baby, but here’s the thing: assuming it even does fit on some tiny little baby head, how would I be guaranteed that the baby could escape the fire? Were I to slap the mask onto it, I might only be saving it from death by smoke inhalation so that it might instead perish horribly and in agonizing pain as the ravenous flames devoured its innocent young flesh. Instead, it would make much more sense to wear the mask myself (because I’m going to be doing all the work and therefore heavy breathing), grab the baby, and run like hell. As for you and those other unfortunate fellows... well, I know you’d do the same for me :)
3. b.) "a bunch of black folks"
Yes, it is entirely possible that the bunch of black folks is also a bunch of good folks, but at least here it isn’t guaranteed they are all good. The color of one’s skin doesn’t incline one toward either good or evil, but if you know for sure that one group is good and are unsure of the other, than the other is the natural choice no matter what their ethnicity. Also, I’m a fucking racist asshole =D
4. d.) "fuck the rules and fuck you too"
I know you heard that, buddy. Actually, were some outside forces many times more powerful than yourself to compel me to choose only one, it would be necessary that I know a little more info about these three objects. For example, perhaps the value of the crack far exceeds the dollar amount of the cash?
5. b.) “call the hospital, this dude needs help”
Don’t get me wrong, because ninjas do make me quite nervous and paranoid, but it is for that reason in particular that I would seek to spare the loony bastard. Oftentimes, ninjas form ties to other ninjas, and so on and so on until giant ninja networks are formed... I think they probably call these clans or orders or guilds or something. Anywho, were I to let that ninja die, or if I were to help aid in his death by shooting him or stealing his organs for sale on the black market, I would only be pissing off his many ninja buddies who would subsequently seek to exact ultimate and terrible ninja revenge upon me. Needless to say, I wouldn’t really be into that, so live the ninja does... for now.
6. c.) the tasty, tasty baby
... yeah, go ahead and judge me; I feel no need to explain myself to you. Bastard.
7. i.) and now for something completely different...
Well, if she were actually still alive, I suppose I would give that whole “ambulance” thing a shot. If I had killed her, however, I would freak out and take my own life in a remorseful rage yet somehow try to make both deaths look like an accident... because man, wouldn’t that be embarrassing?
8. b.) "no, I'm a bad person"
I love how objectively you word these responses.
9. b.) "I don't know!!!!!"
¡¡¡stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it!!! ¡j00 @r3 +3H Hur+ ]\/[y 13r@1]\[!
10. c.) let the insanity wash over me
Bah, it would barely be even a slight deviation from my normal state of mind. The Chinese are indeed a powerful foe, but it can be guaranteed that never before have they known the terrible might of... ¡THE BERSERKER! \m/ \m/ :[] ... watch your back, China.
11. a.) Bantha sleeping bag
Really, I’d be quite hard pressed to pick sides between Star Wars and Lord of the Rings (Star Trek sucks, though, so that’s out)... but one cannot deny the overwhelming appeal of slashing open a bantha with one’s lightsaber and crawling inside for a good, warm nap. To bathe in its warm bantha blood, to wrap oneself in the comforting warmth of its warm bantha entrails... actually, I should really clarify that I’m just joking, because I make even myself feel slightly ill. It’s okay, though... just forget about it and move on.
12. d.) "peace and freedom crap"
Haha! You mocked me before, but now you shall see the incredible effectiveness of my Pacifistic Neo-Anarchist Party. Well, in the case of such a massive cataclysm, I suppose we (and by “we” I mean... well, currently, “me”) could change our name to something a little more catchy and perhaps even “hip”; but for now, Pacifistic Neo-Anarchist Party it is. We would do our utmost to prevent the formation of any form of authoritative government (or any authority in general, perhaps) through means of peaceful protest and human reasoning. I’m so freaking idealistic it makes me sick, but hey... it’s a dream, yeah? Think for yourself! The utopia of reason is at hand!
13. a.) apologize
People or not, midgets are dangerous. Seriously. This is a problem of particular importance to me, since, being somewhat taller than others, I often find myself the target of the fiery little hatred of those afflicted with a Napoleon complex. That’s right... the little bastards get all frustrated because they are so short and bitter, and they think, “Hey! That guy is tallish, let us look upon him as the king of all oppressors and vent our midgety little frustrations upon him!” So pretty much, short people hate me, and I need to be really, really careful around them so they don’t freak out and bite my shins or whatever little, little people like them do.
14. a.) Bush+good=¡shotgun!
Bush supporters... zombies... what’s the difference? I’ve almost taken a brick or two to those cars that sport those damned “One Man, One Woman” bumper stickers already, so I suppose it would do me quite some good to blow away some psycho-conservative morons in the event of a zombie attack. Well... actually, that’s a bit harsh... conservatives aren’t inherently evil (although there are certainly many that are), they are merely misguided; hell, there are even some conservatives I really like (go on, gasp, it be true!). But hey, I’m done with politics, so don’t pull me back into that... there are reasons I’m all bitter and disillusioned, you know.
15. a.) Evan are indeed teh wonderful
Yes, I also suck up to people who make quizzes so they give me good results =D
16. e.) release the hounds!!!
Uh... have you seen my dogs? That poor bastard under the bed would be dead in mere seconds... cats, babies… I hope only that whatever it is it is enough to sate my dogs’ incredible bloodlust; if not, I could very well be their next target!
Gimme some awesome results, señor, ’cause that was a lot of time wasted for us both.
To Eric: My poor deluded friend, whatever gave you the impression I gave results which were anything more than a mixture of memorized talk-show jargon and encyclopedic references?
Bad Poet-Coon!
Haha, not really, I was just screwing with you. The -coon results were scrapped, as you know, in favor of the 'other' result set.
The Walking Dead!
You are the walking dead! You were killed a bit ago in an unfortunate accident, and nobody came to your funeral, so you're pretty pissed at the world. The fact that human flesh has suddenly started looking delicious isn't helping things, and your once-pacifistic nature is forgotten. While some people will simply say "HA! I can just shoot them in the head!", and will shoot a walking dead in the head, you will be the one they didn't notice gradually creeping your way up behind them. Oops! Looks like somebody should have stayed underground with the rest of the survivors! The lesson here? If you're starving to death in a bomb shelter, eat each other before you go outside to find food, because if you do go outside Eric the Undead will be waiting for you.
To Jenniffer (I'm sorry I can't remember how to spell your name, I have a problem with names and words that have double letters in them): The best day ever? Did you win the lottery and everyone you hated suddenly get diagnosed with AIDS, diabetes and testicular cancer? It's really asinine for me to ask this question here as it will undoubtably be answered in your next post, but I do it anyways for reasons of redundancy.
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