DON'T FUCKING WATCH THE NEWS.
Oh my god!!! people are so stupid. On the news (I watched it for half an hour), between the story of the thief that robbed half a dozen people without even having a weapon, and the four cops who screwed the underage girl but aren't going to be prosecuted, there was the bicyclist. Man. This guy was in a bicycle race when he LOST CONTROL OF HIS BIKE, kept going for three or so meters, then hit a metal pole and died. Yes, that's right. He lost control of his bike and died. It's not like, you know, he could have used his brakes, or just.... I dunno, TURNED THE FUCKING HANDLES A HALF INCH TO THE SIDE. Arrr. You people are so damned stupid. A fucking bicycle. Not on a hill or anything, either, this was level ground.
Also, human hair, stuck in some shrubs in the mountains! Not human hair! Oh god! They had an entire fucking search, brought in helicopters and everything, over some fucking human hair that some hikers found. Also, a girl was sexually abused and found with her captor in a restaurant. A goddamned russkie listening device was discovered off the coast of Washington. A man was caught soliciting sex from children! Mr. Children, was that you? No, I'm kidding, Mr. Children only eats children, he doesn't screw 'em. But maybe it was an ingenius ploy, designed to get the kids all ready for some illegal sex, then turning the tables and cutting off their heads and boiling them in pots (not neccessarily in that order, he might wish to hear the screams, the horrible horrible wonderful screams, then cut off their heads).
A 49 year old man was masquerading as a cheerleader. Well, that's .... creepy!
Wal-Mart's starting a friday single's shopping night! That's... also fucking creepy! But it paves the way for people like me to bludgeon a date in the parking lot and take her home, so I guess it's not so bad.
Also. God-damn. These shitheaded newscasters are so fucking idiotic. Every fucking time they have a murder or a kidnapping or a rape, they go up to a random person on the street and ask their opinion. Because you know, if you live somewhere, you're an expert on everyone and everything that goes on there.
In other news, an Arizona baby is dead! Killed by being left in the car. Wow, imagine that. How is this related to Oregon news?! Nobody knows!!! I saw that Christian Children's Fund shit for the kabillionth time, and it gave me an idea. The Partially Drowned Chinese Baby Fund. This is where everyone pays me a bunch of money, then I go to the Chinese border and scoop up floodriver babies that may or may not be dead and mail them all to America. Partially drowned is a promise, not a guarantee, you will get no money back, and also I might just blow all the money on my newfound gambling addiction and pick up a bunch of american babies from one of those dumpsters outside the abortion clinic, but hey, nobody really wanted supersmart dying buddhist babies anyways.
And to finish, I will reveal why I am swearing a lot again.
So like, I had this dream last night. It was real shiny. There was a bowling ball, and Jesus was riverdancing on top of it, and he got that religious look in his eye, and he leaned down real close and told me, “Evan, ye been defilin’ me name. Lad, it upsets me so to see you doin’ such evil. Ah, Blarney. I wish ye’d go back to ye olde sinnin’ ways, they be less sinful than the tricks you’re up to now.” but he seemed real short and was wearing all green, so I was like “Are you sure you’re not a leprechaun?” and he was like “’Tis a good question m’boy, and best answered by this: would a leprechaun give ye a bar of gold not to ask that question again?” and he gave me a bar of gold and I was all “No sir mister Jesus!” and he was like “Aye lad. That’s right. And remember, if anyone asks, I don’t exist.” then a rainbow came and took him away.
…I never knew Jesus had red hair.
UPDATE: A baby in Illinois was found alive in a bunch of tires. It's like, the balance of nature. One baby is murdered by the sun, another escapes to Illinois to be raised by tires. Isn't life grande?
Also, human hair, stuck in some shrubs in the mountains! Not human hair! Oh god! They had an entire fucking search, brought in helicopters and everything, over some fucking human hair that some hikers found. Also, a girl was sexually abused and found with her captor in a restaurant. A goddamned russkie listening device was discovered off the coast of Washington. A man was caught soliciting sex from children! Mr. Children, was that you? No, I'm kidding, Mr. Children only eats children, he doesn't screw 'em. But maybe it was an ingenius ploy, designed to get the kids all ready for some illegal sex, then turning the tables and cutting off their heads and boiling them in pots (not neccessarily in that order, he might wish to hear the screams, the horrible horrible wonderful screams, then cut off their heads).
A 49 year old man was masquerading as a cheerleader. Well, that's .... creepy!
Wal-Mart's starting a friday single's shopping night! That's... also fucking creepy! But it paves the way for people like me to bludgeon a date in the parking lot and take her home, so I guess it's not so bad.
Also. God-damn. These shitheaded newscasters are so fucking idiotic. Every fucking time they have a murder or a kidnapping or a rape, they go up to a random person on the street and ask their opinion. Because you know, if you live somewhere, you're an expert on everyone and everything that goes on there.
In other news, an Arizona baby is dead! Killed by being left in the car. Wow, imagine that. How is this related to Oregon news?! Nobody knows!!! I saw that Christian Children's Fund shit for the kabillionth time, and it gave me an idea. The Partially Drowned Chinese Baby Fund. This is where everyone pays me a bunch of money, then I go to the Chinese border and scoop up floodriver babies that may or may not be dead and mail them all to America. Partially drowned is a promise, not a guarantee, you will get no money back, and also I might just blow all the money on my newfound gambling addiction and pick up a bunch of american babies from one of those dumpsters outside the abortion clinic, but hey, nobody really wanted supersmart dying buddhist babies anyways.
And to finish, I will reveal why I am swearing a lot again.
So like, I had this dream last night. It was real shiny. There was a bowling ball, and Jesus was riverdancing on top of it, and he got that religious look in his eye, and he leaned down real close and told me, “Evan, ye been defilin’ me name. Lad, it upsets me so to see you doin’ such evil. Ah, Blarney. I wish ye’d go back to ye olde sinnin’ ways, they be less sinful than the tricks you’re up to now.” but he seemed real short and was wearing all green, so I was like “Are you sure you’re not a leprechaun?” and he was like “’Tis a good question m’boy, and best answered by this: would a leprechaun give ye a bar of gold not to ask that question again?” and he gave me a bar of gold and I was all “No sir mister Jesus!” and he was like “Aye lad. That’s right. And remember, if anyone asks, I don’t exist.” then a rainbow came and took him away.
…I never knew Jesus had red hair.
UPDATE: A baby in Illinois was found alive in a bunch of tires. It's like, the balance of nature. One baby is murdered by the sun, another escapes to Illinois to be raised by tires. Isn't life grande?
posted by ☭CRUSH you. at 12:19 AM
2 Comments:
Small pole, the guy was just stupid.
Well, they could find a missing kid or something, but then they could also just find some random hiker who cut their hair for some jackass reason, or a crazy hermit that lives in the mountains or something.
Nah, the Jesus leprachaun told me that I'm no longer supposed to tell people that I worship him/represent him/am his living embodiment, because apparently I'm not Jesus material. I temporarily stopped swearing because of that passage in the bible that was like, "Thou shalt not swear at old ladieseth, because their bones will break, they're creepy like that." but now I've forsaken Jesus at His bidding, and also because he gave me dream-gold, but never make deals in dreams because when you wake up you'll just find out that Jesus snuck in and stole his bar of gold back while you were having that OTHER dream which is not PG rated and so shall not be mentioned here.
Jesus is a thief! He ate my cat once. I was sad.
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