Oops, I didn't mean to hit you... but I'm glad I did.
So I was riding the bus for the bajillionth time due to my inability to convince the DMV that I should be allowed to drive (I won't hit anyone else, I promise), and this guy clutches my shoulder from behind. I turn back, accidentally elbowing him in the face at the same time, and he just starts screaming and clutching his eye!! It was so weird. I kind of awkwardly turned to face foreward again, everyone was staring at me, I didn't know what to do so I just pasted on a fake smile. A couple people shook their heads, then they turned one by one back to their previous positions of empty stares out the windows or at the bus driver, and the guy's screaming slowly dissolved to crying and sob-whimpers... I almost felt bad, but by that time I'd just decided he was crazy, and it's real hard to feel bad for crazy people.
As summer comes to a close, people become more and more insistent about how important it is for me to go to their parties. Apparently my heartless cruelty and bitchy sarcasm is well-liked by some of the insipid masses I inflict it upon, and also older folks think I'm really cool because I make jokes that old people like (and sometimes I'll even let them have a little of their medication... but only a little! Nobody needs that much Celebrex!), and also my boyish good lucks have turned into sexy manly charm. Well, that last part is just a guess. But I think it's a good guess. Because, you know. I'm really hottt.
P.S. Mr. Children claimed I never put 'emotions' or 'real events' into my blog, which is why this post is so emotional.
As summer comes to a close, people become more and more insistent about how important it is for me to go to their parties. Apparently my heartless cruelty and bitchy sarcasm is well-liked by some of the insipid masses I inflict it upon, and also older folks think I'm really cool because I make jokes that old people like (and sometimes I'll even let them have a little of their medication... but only a little! Nobody needs that much Celebrex!), and also my boyish good lucks have turned into sexy manly charm. Well, that last part is just a guess. But I think it's a good guess. Because, you know. I'm really hottt.
P.S. Mr. Children claimed I never put 'emotions' or 'real events' into my blog, which is why this post is so emotional.
posted by ☭CRUSH you. at 3:09 AM
9 Comments:
Hey, I wasn't serious... I know you're severed from reality, and emotion looks ugly on you. Good to see none of that crept into this post.
Hilarious stuff on the bus, eh? At least you weren't sitting down when the poor bastard grabbed you. Bleh.
This post was FULL of emotion and realitism. I accidentally elbowed the guy, I awkwardly turned to face foreward, the guy was crying, I use bitchy sarcasm...
Uh, I was sitting down when he grabbed me.
Crush:
I read your damn profile. I just want to say: you do piss me off, you filthy slug.
But you piss me off in just the right way...
Hey, thanks for the compliment on my writing. You, too, possess the skills and craft of a bard-like author. I never can help myself from reading your violent insights.
And your list of 100 kept me rollicking...I really liked no. 27: Sleeping through important events.
I think you're a bit more humane than you let on.
Cheers, you pissant.
Humane is all a matter of opinion. Most peoples' opinions of me sway back and forth between good and evil, just because for every good thing I do I try to do something equally bad, and vice versa... but alot of the good things I do are just token gestures meant to appease my inner sense of balance, so I don't usually mention them.
Well, I can rest easier knowing that you do, in fact, have a soul and that, occasionally, you rinse it clean with good deeds.
But we really couldn't have you any other way, you malignant toad
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