Why I love My Town

Because this is shit you need to know.
There is a stream - nay, a creek - which runs right on the edge of our city limits, where, when it gets hot enough, the rednecks will gather and shoot at fish, and hippies will lie naked in great numbers upon its rocky shores. And if you ever wanted mail, why, right in the middle of the Old Highway (a place where you only drive if you wish to be rammed repeatedly by semi's) is a federal post office, where they will sometimes give you some of your mail if you bribe them substantially. When one gets hungry, it's never too far a drive to the grocery store! ...except in this town. In this town, it's never too far a drive to the gas station! There is no grocery store here. You can buy everything from a 2-liter to a bag of chips, and a couple of the things in between. If it's a real cold day out, they even fire up the ol' cappuccino machine - and at 6$ a cup, that coffee tastes all the sweeter. But no, I'm lying, it'll still be the worst coffee you ever force down your throat. This can't be all there is to your town!, you must be thinking. Well no, it's not. There's also a feed store - because we all like animals, right? Well, not really. But there's a feed store anyways. There's also a trailer park! Filled with welfare-dependant drug addicts and pregnant pre-teens, this would be the perfect place to spend an afternoon, if you like getting attacked by drug-crazed Klanners and packs of flearidden feral cats who also just so happen to be rabid. But what about the children, you ask? What about the children? The children have an elementary school! It's incredibly downshodden, the teachers have a history of molesting children, and every school year there's another half-dozen little bodies to bury, but the only real difference between this school and any other is that it's surrounded by barbed cowfencing and a highway with a steep slope. It's as if, when making the school, the designers were saying to themselves, "Now let's make sure NOBODY walks off school grounds.... alive." But a town cannot survive on schools, gas stations and feed stores alone. We have other attractions, too. Like, we have a foundry! I like to tell children that if they're really bad, their parents will throw them into the smelting pots, but they know what I'm really saying is that I'll be the one to do it. We also have a shooting range. In a small town, there's not much to do besides kill your neighbors (or people that drive by your house). But we have to have real good aim to hit those damned sportscars... anyways, what I'm saying is that here is a good place to live. But I'm not going to tell you where here is, because you would lame it up.