Sluts are funny because they have sex all over the place. Sometimes even in.... closets.
The local Safeway is remodeling. Apparently they plan to have a big Opening Sale. Because they're remodeling. Even though they never closed. Maybe they're planning on changing their name, and what they sell. No more Safeway, now it's Dangerousway: Food & Drug + Sex & Violence.
I went in to check it out (and to buy some of that sex, offer free violence, try out some of their drugs and eat some of their food), and I saw one of those little donation cans for the poor starving orphaned hurricane babies. It said I could pay 5$ to give toothbrush and toothpaste to starving adoption baby. 10$ to give baby supplies to starving adoption baby. Or 15$ to give food and shelter to starving adoption baby. I asked the clerk if I could give 15$ to give toothbrush and toothpaste to three starving adoption babies, but not give any of them food, and she just gave me a dirty look. Here I am trying to be generous, and she gives me dirty looks. I just don't think starving adoption babies need food as much as they need clean teeth and gums.
They didn't have any sex for sale (I asked), and people freaked out when I started punching this fat guy (apparently he was just a really ugly pregnant woman), but I did buy some ZAP!© (I plan to grind it up, put it in some cookies, and give it to this old lady I know, I bet it's gonna be real funny, either that or really sad. I hope she has a strong heart) and some pasta sauce and some linguini. I got the pasta sauce and linguini because I like acting Italian. A telemarketer called later, I told her "I got-a me some-a pasta sauce and-a the linguini, mario luigi, spaghetti-o's and you want-ta come over and-a have the sex?" That bitch hung up on me though. I thought Italian accents were supposed to be sexy. I ended up throwing the linguini at the dog because I don't like linguini and he doesn't like linguini but he eats whatever I throw at him because he's a freak, and the pasta sauce kind of psyched me out because it didn't have an expiration date on it (it was made before they started dating things!!!) so I hurled it at my neighbor's car. It was a glass bottle, it broke his window, but didn't break. That kind of pissed me off. Damned cheap new-age cars. After a couple minutes I saw him creep out of his house, look in his car, grab the bottle and go back into his house..... I bet he put it on some linguini because he probably likes that shit, fucking weirdo.
I went in to check it out (and to buy some of that sex, offer free violence, try out some of their drugs and eat some of their food), and I saw one of those little donation cans for the poor starving orphaned hurricane babies. It said I could pay 5$ to give toothbrush and toothpaste to starving adoption baby. 10$ to give baby supplies to starving adoption baby. Or 15$ to give food and shelter to starving adoption baby. I asked the clerk if I could give 15$ to give toothbrush and toothpaste to three starving adoption babies, but not give any of them food, and she just gave me a dirty look. Here I am trying to be generous, and she gives me dirty looks. I just don't think starving adoption babies need food as much as they need clean teeth and gums.
They didn't have any sex for sale (I asked), and people freaked out when I started punching this fat guy (apparently he was just a really ugly pregnant woman), but I did buy some ZAP!© (I plan to grind it up, put it in some cookies, and give it to this old lady I know, I bet it's gonna be real funny, either that or really sad. I hope she has a strong heart) and some pasta sauce and some linguini. I got the pasta sauce and linguini because I like acting Italian. A telemarketer called later, I told her "I got-a me some-a pasta sauce and-a the linguini, mario luigi, spaghetti-o's and you want-ta come over and-a have the sex?" That bitch hung up on me though. I thought Italian accents were supposed to be sexy. I ended up throwing the linguini at the dog because I don't like linguini and he doesn't like linguini but he eats whatever I throw at him because he's a freak, and the pasta sauce kind of psyched me out because it didn't have an expiration date on it (it was made before they started dating things!!!) so I hurled it at my neighbor's car. It was a glass bottle, it broke his window, but didn't break. That kind of pissed me off. Damned cheap new-age cars. After a couple minutes I saw him creep out of his house, look in his car, grab the bottle and go back into his house..... I bet he put it on some linguini because he probably likes that shit, fucking weirdo.
posted by ☭CRUSH you. at 12:33 PM
10 Comments:
Violence, drugs, and sex all work up an appetite. Sounds like a profitable business.
You're a bad person. Funnily bad, though. Also, you should post about Bad Acid, 'cause that was fucking beautiful.
Beefy - Yes. They should so do that. I mean, seriously. You have blood loss from violence? Drink some milk, eat some vegetables or something, and zone out on drugs. Got the munchies from drugs? every snack imaginable! Tired out from all that sex with the missus/captives? Take some drugs for short term, eat some food for long term. And if you can't find any captives? Go to the violence section, get a sledgehammer or something, and smash some civilians into submission. It's the American Way.
Socio- Haha, you like Jesus, you're a good person. And geez! This blog's not a place for stuff like that. It is a place for funny, disgusting, and creepy.
...trying to make things beautiful...
bastard!
... and is he named after that buggy little fellow from The Metamorphosis? I love Kafka...
Hahahaha! Samsa, whatever happened to your blog? It was so exciting, what with your amazing... jogging, and... well, that was pretty much it.... Okay, I see why you deleted it.
How old are you? What a tricky question. I mean, what with your lucrative writing career already behind you and your oh-so-many wonderful kids, whom you cherish, care for, and probably have sex with several nights a week, one would only assume you're at least in your 20's. But no! You're girl samsa! Perhaps you're not even in your teens yet! Hm, maybe you're a youthful hipster who decided to have kids young, because that birth control thing was just a little too complex for ya. Either way, learn to read and write. PLEASE. "Talking to you is like talking to a senile old man, unable to grasp what everyone's saying to him and too set in his ways/crazy to be anything but an irritating distraction." I'm not saying you are a senile old man. Just that you have symptoms similar to those of senility and don't understand anything people say to you.
And also, HOW WERE YOU EVER EMPLOYED. You can't even type! "Wont take much." Won't take much what? Much what?! Learn english, you crazy bastard. And b/c? Commspeech = not as cool as you think it is.
How do you do it, girl samsa? Every time you post, it's just a little bit dumber than the last. I thought you'd made enough an ass of yourself on fritz's blog, but then you move to mine! Although that is nice of you. Fritz was probably like, "Get a room, you two!" but we just kept commenting and commenting until we were all commented out on that one poor, beleaguered post.
Oh no, but I've typed too much. If only you could read, my replies to your half-wit comments would have so much more impact upon your obviously fragile psyche. Only not. Because even if you could read what I type, you probably still wouldn't understand, because I use those big, technical words like "lucrative", "hipster", and "read".
P.S. I wonder if you could include the word 'crush' more often in your next comment, I had a hard time following who you were talking to.
P.P.S. Don't worry, I have no plans to start saying realy smart things anytime soon.
Socio - Haha, you used the word 'fellow', and you still like jesus.
His name is Girl Samsa. His quest... to enlighten me on how wrong I am. How wrong and dirty. How horribly, wonderfully dirty. (I feel so touched though. He not only came to my blog, he's gonna keep checking up on me! He's like the daughter I always wanted, only really, ridiculously ugly.)
Yeah, what he said.
"I've made a success of myself before being old"
And what's that? Young prostitution?
Ahhh...so nice to see I sowed a legacy of hatred between you two...
I've missed you, CRUSH, and you're generally apathetic and depressive comments. I'm unemployed, you know, and need that continuous belittling, lest I start getting ideas that I may be worth something even though I don't have a job. Incredibly long sentence.
I really enjoyed your safeway story. I've always wondered about that store. I've never shopped there. But I think there must be 'yield' signs at the end of the aisles, so idiots won't blunder around corners without looking to see if anyone is coming. That should be an institution at grocery stores: traffic monitors. And you should only be able to go one way up and down an aisle, because those WOMEN with those BABIES always park RIGHT next to each other in an aisle to read the ingredients of the pasta sauce they are going to buy, and totally FORGET that someone (like ME) is trying to get to the canned mushrooms. Those BITCHES. And then, I'm all, "Excuse Me?" in a nice, blonde voice, and the fat ladies look at me with a glare and blow air on their moustaches and pull their five dirty children out of my way, so I just roll my cart over some toes, and that teaches THEM to get in my way in the canned food aisle...
Ranting is 'funnn'.
Post more stuff. Like Bad Acid.
Fritz - Nahh, it wasn't you, he's just... so painfully stupid. I can't leave him alone, his every post is an antagonistic stab at my black and twisted heart.
Haha. I like to say in a loud, angry voice "MOVE." when people block the entire aisle in grocery stores, because I look like the kind of person who'd flip out and kill a bunch of people.
Socio - I already told you, no! Geez! You aren't gonna let that go, are you?
You can't make me post it.
Do it. DO IT.
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