So fucking bored.

As I prepare to move, I'm cleaning up things that haven't been touched in, quite literally, decades. And as I look through some of this old crap, I really have to ask: "What the fuck was I thinking?"
Because cleaning is fucking boring, here's a list of shit I didn't know/remember I had before I started cleaning:

a battleaxe (obviously I intended to fight the barbarian hordes at some point)
a hatchet (die, you damned dirty branches)
a woodcutting axe (die, you damned dirty trees)
a switchblade (die, you damned dirty old ladies)
a box full of outdoor and pocket knives (never use the same one twice, the police look for that)
an antique rifle (when the fuck did I buy that?) and a bunch of bullets (from my days in WWI I bet)
seven unopened lava lamps, 6 unopened lightning ball/twisty things (someone circulated a rumor that I liked those one year... I don't.)
5 unopened meter-length fluorescent lights (where the fuck did these come from?)
3 unopened high-power strobelights (the Revenge of the Epileptics will be short lived)
1 composite bow, 2 longbows, a crossbow, a ton of arrows, 6 bolts (apparently I had intended to shoot something at some point... with arrows)
a scimitar and what looks like a fucked-up gladius (again, where the fuck did this shit come from? maybe I planned to fight with the uhh... arabs... and the romans. the roman legions will return from space one day, you know, and they're gonna be REALLY pissed about rome)
2 black leather trenchcoats, 3 black leather jackets, 3 black leather belts, 1 pair black leather gloves, 1 pair black leather pants, 1 pair spikey black leather boots, 1 pair black leather workboots (I bet I'd squeak like crazy if I wore all that at once)
a pair of fluffy blue and white slippers (I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THOSE FOR YEARS)
my bathrobe of similar colors (BATHROBE. I thought you had been lost forever with the slippers! ...strange how I value the slippers greater than the bathrobe.)
The Arabian Nights, Origin of Species, Voyage of the Beagle, Introductory American History, Dante's Inferno, 5 versions of the holy bible, Bible Gallery, 1st edition War of the Worlds and H.G. Wells' Pocket History of the World, Gray's Anatomy, Einstein's Decoding the Universe, Iconographia Gyniatrica (haha), Zarathustra, Keats' Poems (I disavow any knowledge of ever having read a poetry book), Ivanhoe, Chaucer's Canterbury tales, Rashomon, Hagakure, Poe: Collected Works, Lovecraft: Collected Works, The Dream Hunters (I used to read old books, before I decided they rot your brain... I forgot I had all these fucking books), and porn from all the ages
The following DVD's (only listing the ones I didn't know I had): American Beauty (that guy is awesome. "Obviously you're not going to help me in that department!"), Tank Girl (I was a dog, but I was really good, so they promoted me to human... sort of.), Labyrinth (yow. Nice pants.), Bowling for Columbine (god, that guy is such a whiner), Jet Li in Black Mask (haha, that movie is so lame, I like it anyways), Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai (How did that guy plan on getting the boat off the roof?!), Hart's War (You crazy americans and your escape plans!), Spaceballs (Evil will always triumph because good is dumb.), Zardoz (What? you mean Sean Connery's hair wasn't white when he was younger?), and Buffalo 66 (THAT GUY IS MY ROLE MODEL).
3 packs of 100 razorblades each (if I ever got depressed, I would never, ever have to leave the house!)
a hairbrush (I have been using combs for years. No more shall the brush hide itself from me.)
a whip (cha cha cha)
spiked knuckles (having trouble picking between blunt force and seeing them bleed? no longer!)
a bunch of unopened toys (? If a kid ever had a birthday party, ... well, I don't like children, so he'd be out of fuckin' luck.)
three wigs (haha, they'll never catch me now)
a can of sardines (...I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have eaten those)
the technical schematics I made for everything I ever wanted to build (and oh my god! I used to know so much more shit than I do now.)
the Cha-Cha Manifesto (This dark text was buried upon its completion, and for good reason. Or, it was supposed to be buried, but I guess I just tossed it to the side and planned on burying it later.)
more compressed trioxane fuel than I could ever have a use for (i guess in case it gets cold, because you see I enjoy chemical fires)
a bunch of drawings of me ... um, sleeping... I think I need better locks. definetely need better locks. (but secretly I'm flattered.)
a dirty love letter (it was addressed for my neighbor, but I decided he was already loved enough by his family)
dimensional fabric paint (don't look at me.)
silver lipstick (ok, I'm pretty, you can look at me now.)
a bouncy ball (I was so excited! I bounced it and bounced it and bounced it and then the dog freaked out and ate it. And now I'm kinda sad.)
a tazer (it still works! I thought it didn't... I forgot how much they sting.)
three cans of mace (one of my friends keeps giving me those, I have no idea why. she always acts really secretive about it, too. maybe she's envisioning me battling an evil overlord, and at the height of the battle, right when it looks like he's going to win, I'd whip out the can and mace him, and he would be all "Aaaarrrrg!! Mace, my only weakness!")
a lint roller (it has 25% more ultra-tack adhesive than their regular product, guaranteed)
hershey's syrup (... after the incident involving the sardines, I am hesistant. what's the shelf life for this stuff?)
a box of socks (yes, a box. I think they were a christmas present, many years ago.)
a harmonica (a family heirloom, or so I was told. I threw it away. Take THAT, family culture!)
an accordian (what the fuck? Where the hell did that come from?)
an old pistol and some bullets (bang bang!)
whiskey (unopened! you say 'stay sober', the universe says 'get plastered'.)
a library card (I went to a library?)
an unopened can of neon hair spray (maybe it's to go with those lights)
an opened can of black hair spray (sometimes I like to be sneaky, dirty blonde isn't sneaky)
a sketchbook (if you think my 'net comics are bloody/wierd, you should look in there)
1 of those really big metal flashlights used for smashing people AND shining light, 2 smaller versions I guess for jabbing people in the eyes with (I have never once used any of these for their light-bringing capabilities)
$20+ in quarters, 3 dimes, 2 nickels, and two pennies (god I hate change so much. why the fuck do I have so many quarters?)
a metal meterstick, 2 metal rulers (every time I see them, I say to myself "I'm going to sharpen these, and use them to murder somebody, just because that seems really cool." but I never get around to sharpening them. I tried cutting off someone's hand once anyways... didn't work, he was just really pissed and kept yelling.)
3 unopened bottles of hair gel (hah! these and the hair brush will keep my hair looking semi-sane for days if not a whole week!)
aa battery charger, 6 chargable aa batteries, and an unopened pack of 48 aa batteries (apparently at one point I had a desparate need for aa batteries?)
an old CD player (ohhh. so THAT is what those batteries were for.)
a fork (every morning for almost a year now I've woken up, stepped out of bed, yelped, and hopped on one foot out of the room. now I know why.)
a spoon (the spoon is always quick to bend)
a bunch of stuff that looks like it belongs inside my computer (maybe this is why it freezes so often?)
Super Mario Kart, Todd McFarlane's Spawn the Video Game, Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country, and... no super nintendo to play them on? what the fuck? (this is why I'm so mean to everybody: I know you all did something to my SNES, many years ago. But I don't know what. Yet.)
an unopened chinese calligraphy kit (someone who hates me bought that for me a long time ago, knowing that one day, far into the future, I will get extremely bored, open it, and get ink on everything I own)
a valentine (haha, I have a valentine and you don't. sure it's from forever ago when I was jailbait, and from a woman later hit for 11 sex with a minor charges, but still, fuck you.)
an unopened 3-d puzzle of the eiffel tower (okay, seriously. how the fuck did something like that get in here without me noticing?)
a metal trash can with one of those pedal-things at the bottom to open it (oh, god. oh, god. why did I open that. why. oh... god. something in there was moving, it was so rank I was gagging. I stacked a couple books on top of it and vowed to come back when I found something I thought could kill whatever was living in an airtight garbage can for... I don't know how many years. AND HOW DID IT GET IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE)
a toolkit (thought you could hide from me behind my natural enemy, the books, huh? well you didn't count on me doing a small amount of cleaning)
woodcarving set (because I carve things on wood?)
plastic army soldiers and Spider Man (the woodcarving set is no longer usable on account of it being covered in bits of plastic)
jerky (does not last as long as one might think, I tried eating some before noticing it had an expiration date of six years ago)
peanut butter (oh man. it feels like my intestines are trying to strangle my liver and stab my spleen. I should stop figuring out the food source viability of these things through taste-testing.)
a mechanical pencil (clickclickclickclickclickclick)
a single clothespin (I spent six minutes considering what use I might have for this, then remembered old movies where they used it to plug their noses... I have officially determined that the people in old movies were either using a different kind of clothespin, or were fucking idiots)
a sautering iron (I remember I had been planning on doing something with this... something involving the computer and those extra parts, maybe.)
extra lead for the mechanical pencil (clickclick... okay, I'm bored with the mechanical pencil now.)
a cup of coffee (coffee never ever goes bad)
an unopened heater (if I put this facing the fan I wonder if it will get hotter or cooler)
my duct-tape trenchcoat, my 1920's-style halloween mask, my hobo gloves, my spiky pants and tight shirt with holes in it (let's play dress-up! or not. If only I were 20 years younger and tonight were halloween night, I'd dress up in this and kill kids like crazy)
the thing. that nobody knows what it does. (seriously, it's this metal thing that's kind of pointy on one end, and has this blunt other end, and this thing coming off it that's pretty sharp and a little worn, and on it it says "Do not strike or use as a hammer." and "Wear safety goggles.")
a red glowstick (because you can never have too many things that glow) and also a green one. (because we like christmas)
the disc. this wretched disc contains every song from the 90's that didn't suck. for a while my computer wouldn't read it. today, it did. I love how I did absolutely nothing different to my computer between when it refused to read the disc and when it read every last byte perfectly. (computers are the matrons to a generation of serial killers.)
a letter from my old pen pal (she wrote english very poorly and kept begging to see her son again)
broken headphones (aw, that just sucks.)

Ode to Fritz

(this is so NOT song lyrics strung into stanzas that only sorta make sense.)

I love rock and roll
She loves horses and her boyfriend too
But I was bad to the bone, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bad
And the chinese know, they walk along like egyptians.

Domo arigatou mister roboto
all we are is dust in the wind;
Smoke on the water
Is much better than than the owner of a broken
young people speaking their minds.

Don't fear the reaper
Is she there or is she trying to give me the slip
Anyway you want it, that's the way you need it;
I'll rock you like a hurricane
Cuz I'm a 21st century digital boy.

Somebody turned around and shouted "Play that funky music white boy"
'cuz your friends don't dance and if your friends don't dance then they're
just another brick in the wall;
But everybody needs somebody, someone to
Ride 'em in Rawhide.

Tequila
It's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight
I will survive
So let's do the time warp again.


Also,

jesus can you fly? no but i can jump really high

I saw jesus at the gas station.
He touched my arm and said, "go to the next pump, sir."
I asked, "Jesus?"
And he replied, "I'm not jesus."
And I said, "But you look like..." and motioned to his face.
Jesus self-consciously patted his chin, where stubble grew. He gained a dark look of shock.
Someone had recognized him through his poorly shaven disguise!
"I'm a woman!" He exclaimed.
"Haha, don't worry I won't tell nobody." I explained.
And I just left him there, with love in his eyes.
Or possibly it was fury.

Oops, I didn't mean to hit you... but I'm glad I did.

So I was riding the bus for the bajillionth time due to my inability to convince the DMV that I should be allowed to drive (I won't hit anyone else, I promise), and this guy clutches my shoulder from behind. I turn back, accidentally elbowing him in the face at the same time, and he just starts screaming and clutching his eye!! It was so weird. I kind of awkwardly turned to face foreward again, everyone was staring at me, I didn't know what to do so I just pasted on a fake smile. A couple people shook their heads, then they turned one by one back to their previous positions of empty stares out the windows or at the bus driver, and the guy's screaming slowly dissolved to crying and sob-whimpers... I almost felt bad, but by that time I'd just decided he was crazy, and it's real hard to feel bad for crazy people.

As summer comes to a close, people become more and more insistent about how important it is for me to go to their parties. Apparently my heartless cruelty and bitchy sarcasm is well-liked by some of the insipid masses I inflict it upon, and also older folks think I'm really cool because I make jokes that old people like (and sometimes I'll even let them have a little of their medication... but only a little! Nobody needs that much Celebrex!), and also my boyish good lucks have turned into sexy manly charm. Well, that last part is just a guess. But I think it's a good guess. Because, you know. I'm really hottt.


P.S. Mr. Children claimed I never put 'emotions' or 'real events' into my blog, which is why this post is so emotional.

Why I love My Town

Because this is shit you need to know.
There is a stream - nay, a creek - which runs right on the edge of our city limits, where, when it gets hot enough, the rednecks will gather and shoot at fish, and hippies will lie naked in great numbers upon its rocky shores. And if you ever wanted mail, why, right in the middle of the Old Highway (a place where you only drive if you wish to be rammed repeatedly by semi's) is a federal post office, where they will sometimes give you some of your mail if you bribe them substantially. When one gets hungry, it's never too far a drive to the grocery store! ...except in this town. In this town, it's never too far a drive to the gas station! There is no grocery store here. You can buy everything from a 2-liter to a bag of chips, and a couple of the things in between. If it's a real cold day out, they even fire up the ol' cappuccino machine - and at 6$ a cup, that coffee tastes all the sweeter. But no, I'm lying, it'll still be the worst coffee you ever force down your throat. This can't be all there is to your town!, you must be thinking. Well no, it's not. There's also a feed store - because we all like animals, right? Well, not really. But there's a feed store anyways. There's also a trailer park! Filled with welfare-dependant drug addicts and pregnant pre-teens, this would be the perfect place to spend an afternoon, if you like getting attacked by drug-crazed Klanners and packs of flearidden feral cats who also just so happen to be rabid. But what about the children, you ask? What about the children? The children have an elementary school! It's incredibly downshodden, the teachers have a history of molesting children, and every school year there's another half-dozen little bodies to bury, but the only real difference between this school and any other is that it's surrounded by barbed cowfencing and a highway with a steep slope. It's as if, when making the school, the designers were saying to themselves, "Now let's make sure NOBODY walks off school grounds.... alive." But a town cannot survive on schools, gas stations and feed stores alone. We have other attractions, too. Like, we have a foundry! I like to tell children that if they're really bad, their parents will throw them into the smelting pots, but they know what I'm really saying is that I'll be the one to do it. We also have a shooting range. In a small town, there's not much to do besides kill your neighbors (or people that drive by your house). But we have to have real good aim to hit those damned sportscars... anyways, what I'm saying is that here is a good place to live. But I'm not going to tell you where here is, because you would lame it up.

I stole this from a dead australian's blog.

1) Single or taken: do i act like a single guy who knows girls only through poorly directed pornography and repeated drunken encounters? ........fuck you.
2) Your Age: 88.
3) Birthday: january 38th, 1922.
4) Hair color: blonde. dirty blonde. dirty, dirty, dirty blonde.
5) Eye color: black, black like the ace of spades or one of those guys that gets the eyedrops that make their eyes dilate and shit.
6) Shoe size: gigantic. so gigantic, you can't even imagine it. i mean, them.
7) Full name: baron von billy bob joe danni-o roberto krudop.
8) What do you think about the person who sent you this? there was no sent. only stolen.

*~* R e l a t i o n s h i p s *~*
1)Do you have a boyfriend? sir i am not a homosexual.
2)Do you have a girlfriend? i have more girlfriends than i have books on my shelf! ... books are overrated anyways.
3)Did you send this to your m8z? ...uh, right.

*~*F a s h i o n S t u f f *~*
1) What is your favorite shop? don't go to shops. buy food from grocery store. steal clothes from homeless people. it all works out.
2) Any tattoos or piercings and if so how many? my tattoos or piercings > your tattoos or piercings.

*~* T h e E x t r a S t u f f *~*
1) Do you do drugs: no sir! not with a probation officer reading my blog!
2) What are you most scared of: that one day i'll find a mouse that's impervious to being smashed. or that someone will replace my heart with a watch while i sleep, because i HATE watches.
3) What are you listening to right now: the neighbor's cat yowling outside. one day i will kill that cat. and i will feel no remorse.
4) Who was the last person you called? i don't call people, they call me, except eric because he hates it when i call him.
5) Where do you want to get married? over my dead body. i don't want to get married when did it become mandatory, you assholes.
6) How many MSN contacts do you have? 0, nobody likes me. haha, no really, i don't use msn because instant messagers suck.

*~*FAVOURITES!*~*
1) Colour: black, black like a midget's soul.
2) Food: tastey babies. but you know what they say, if the baby's gone bad, feed it to the dogs (because if you eat a baby that has gone bad you will be as bad as the baby was... also it gives you dysentery).
3) Boy's names: gorhak, stabbity stabinson, dirty joe, eric the prostidude, (the) whoremaster.
4) Girls names: slutty mcslutalot, whorey o'streethooker, tits mcgee, sexy bangsallnite, lady cunnilingus, anita dick, lillianjamesravenwood, alotta vagina.
5) Subject: sex ed.
6) Animal: a sexy one. that kills stuff alot. like a marmot. or a seal. a sexy sexy seal.
7) Sportz: it's spelled with an 's', fuckass. cagefighting, cockfighting, and bare knuckle boxing (to the death!).
8) Music: my music > your music.
9) Phrase: "Smoke Cigarettes."

*~*H a v e Y o u E v e r *~*
1) Given anyone a bath: yes. no. i'm not sure, do i count?
2) Bungee jumped: i've shoved/dropped people off really high things... i think that counts.
3) Broken the law: me?! never!!! i like the law, it protects me from families seeking retribution for my crimes.
4) Made yourself throw-up: haven't we all, haven't we all.
5) Ever been in love: yes. our love is solid and true, up until the second she pops or deflates for no apparent reason.

*~*W h a t Y o u L o o k F o r I n B o y s *~*
1) boxers or pants? pants. definetely pants.
2) long or short hair? people with really long hair are usually hippies. dirty, dirty hippies.
3) jewelry or none? none.
4) keeps to himself or cnt keep his hands of u? every time you touch me, an angel douses itself in gasoline.
5) enjoys music? you will listen to my music or i will cut you! cut you up good!
6) artistic? art is creepy.
7) different? if you mean 'touches himself in public', no. if you mean 'doesnt give me that look every time i come home with my shirt washed in blood', yes.
8) watches porn? depends what he's doing in front of it. 'get a room' comes to mind.

*~* W h a t Y o u L o o k F o r I n G i r l s *~*
1) underwear or pants? neither?
2) long or short hair? depends, some girls can pull off short hair but most just end up looking like guys.
3) jewelry or none? lots, so i can steal & sell it!
4) keeps to herself or cant keep her hands off u? try 'all tied up. and gagged. and nobody knows where she is.'
5) enjoys music? you will listen to my music or i will cut you! cut you up good!
6) artistic? art is creepy.
7) different? if you mean 'crazily strong and better than most magicians at escaping bonds', no. if you mean 'doesnt scream when i tell her not to scream or ill have to kill her', yes.
8) watches porn? ye... no? that's a tricky one. i guess if it's porn that i directed/filmed/starred in, yes.

*~* F i n a l Q u e s t i o n s *~*
1) Pizza or chocolate: both, fuck you.
2) How many people are you sending this to? none. i don't send people this kind of shit.
3) Who will send it back: maybe mister children will take it. if he doesn't i will raze his land and set his house and family aflame.
4) Gold or Silver? depends on what kind of security we're looking at.
5) What was the last film you saw? i'm not sure... it had a bunch of guys fighting each other then this one guy was all "i will beat you!" and the other guy looked at him dramatically then ran off then the other guys were still fighting and the guy ran up the hill and the other guy was all "hahaha" and the chasing guy was all "huh?" then these bolders fell! and i was like "no way! run for it man!" and theguy was just staring at the boulders and i was like "lame!" then the other guy kept running up the hill and this kinda hot girl grabbed the guy and was all "you have to watch out" then they were getting kinky and then the bad guy came in and it was all like "hahaha!" and the other guy was all "dammit!" and the bad guy was all "now i will get kinky with her! she is kinda hot, haha!" then the bad guy ran off with the kinda hot chick and then the good guy got shot or something and the bad guy was in his hideout and the good guy had wrastled himself up some pterodons or something (i'm not sure how i kinda fell asleep partway through...) but then the bad guy was like "not pterodons or something similar!" and the good guy jumped down and landed on a bad guy but then the main bad guy shot the good guy again and he was all "dumbass." and the good guy was all "there is a gaping hole in my chest." and the kinda hot girl was all "well shit." and the bad guy was all "now let's get kinky kinda hot chick!" and the girl was all "sure" and the good guy was all bleeding to death, it was kinda cool....

Thought you should know...

Hey, guess what? I just found out that my great-great grandfather was Baron von Krudop, originally kicked out of Germany for unmentionable crimes, but that after WWI, Germany reinstated my family's status as nobility and said it was o.k. for us to come back... so technically, I'm nobility. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is BOW BEFORE MY NOBLE NET-PRESCENCE, YOU DAMNED DIRTY PEASANTS.

mister nibbles, who constitutes a chapter in my book.

omg

so drew wasn't moving after last nights party and and i couldn't wake him up and i thought he was dead so i was dragging him across the bridge to throw him in the river and he woke up!!! i was alike "aaa! no? why?!" and he was like "aaaaa" so I kicked him in the head really hard and it was dark and i ran off... man! drew is such an asshole! why did he wake up?! i hope he gets a tumor! i ran alll the way home and shook my roommate awake and was like "drew woke up!!! i thought he was dead and he woke up!!" and she was like "what did i tell you about touching me whyle i'm sleeping?" and i was so freaked out and nobody cared about what happened with drew.... i went back to the bridge earlier today and he was gone.... i thought maybe he would have jsut stayed there or been chewed by rats or something....... after my roommate wokeup this morning i was all "don't tell drew it was me!" but that bitch probably did, i hate roommates.