So fucking bored.

As I prepare to move, I'm cleaning up things that haven't been touched in, quite literally, decades. And as I look through some of this old crap, I really have to ask: "What the fuck was I thinking?"
Because cleaning is fucking boring, here's a list of shit I didn't know/remember I had before I started cleaning:

a battleaxe (obviously I intended to fight the barbarian hordes at some point)
a hatchet (die, you damned dirty branches)
a woodcutting axe (die, you damned dirty trees)
a switchblade (die, you damned dirty old ladies)
a box full of outdoor and pocket knives (never use the same one twice, the police look for that)
an antique rifle (when the fuck did I buy that?) and a bunch of bullets (from my days in WWI I bet)
seven unopened lava lamps, 6 unopened lightning ball/twisty things (someone circulated a rumor that I liked those one year... I don't.)
5 unopened meter-length fluorescent lights (where the fuck did these come from?)
3 unopened high-power strobelights (the Revenge of the Epileptics will be short lived)
1 composite bow, 2 longbows, a crossbow, a ton of arrows, 6 bolts (apparently I had intended to shoot something at some point... with arrows)
a scimitar and what looks like a fucked-up gladius (again, where the fuck did this shit come from? maybe I planned to fight with the uhh... arabs... and the romans. the roman legions will return from space one day, you know, and they're gonna be REALLY pissed about rome)
2 black leather trenchcoats, 3 black leather jackets, 3 black leather belts, 1 pair black leather gloves, 1 pair black leather pants, 1 pair spikey black leather boots, 1 pair black leather workboots (I bet I'd squeak like crazy if I wore all that at once)
a pair of fluffy blue and white slippers (I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THOSE FOR YEARS)
my bathrobe of similar colors (BATHROBE. I thought you had been lost forever with the slippers! ...strange how I value the slippers greater than the bathrobe.)
The Arabian Nights, Origin of Species, Voyage of the Beagle, Introductory American History, Dante's Inferno, 5 versions of the holy bible, Bible Gallery, 1st edition War of the Worlds and H.G. Wells' Pocket History of the World, Gray's Anatomy, Einstein's Decoding the Universe, Iconographia Gyniatrica (haha), Zarathustra, Keats' Poems (I disavow any knowledge of ever having read a poetry book), Ivanhoe, Chaucer's Canterbury tales, Rashomon, Hagakure, Poe: Collected Works, Lovecraft: Collected Works, The Dream Hunters (I used to read old books, before I decided they rot your brain... I forgot I had all these fucking books), and porn from all the ages
The following DVD's (only listing the ones I didn't know I had): American Beauty (that guy is awesome. "Obviously you're not going to help me in that department!"), Tank Girl (I was a dog, but I was really good, so they promoted me to human... sort of.), Labyrinth (yow. Nice pants.), Bowling for Columbine (god, that guy is such a whiner), Jet Li in Black Mask (haha, that movie is so lame, I like it anyways), Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai (How did that guy plan on getting the boat off the roof?!), Hart's War (You crazy americans and your escape plans!), Spaceballs (Evil will always triumph because good is dumb.), Zardoz (What? you mean Sean Connery's hair wasn't white when he was younger?), and Buffalo 66 (THAT GUY IS MY ROLE MODEL).
3 packs of 100 razorblades each (if I ever got depressed, I would never, ever have to leave the house!)
a hairbrush (I have been using combs for years. No more shall the brush hide itself from me.)
a whip (cha cha cha)
spiked knuckles (having trouble picking between blunt force and seeing them bleed? no longer!)
a bunch of unopened toys (? If a kid ever had a birthday party, ... well, I don't like children, so he'd be out of fuckin' luck.)
three wigs (haha, they'll never catch me now)
a can of sardines (...I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have eaten those)
the technical schematics I made for everything I ever wanted to build (and oh my god! I used to know so much more shit than I do now.)
the Cha-Cha Manifesto (This dark text was buried upon its completion, and for good reason. Or, it was supposed to be buried, but I guess I just tossed it to the side and planned on burying it later.)
more compressed trioxane fuel than I could ever have a use for (i guess in case it gets cold, because you see I enjoy chemical fires)
a bunch of drawings of me ... um, sleeping... I think I need better locks. definetely need better locks. (but secretly I'm flattered.)
a dirty love letter (it was addressed for my neighbor, but I decided he was already loved enough by his family)
dimensional fabric paint (don't look at me.)
silver lipstick (ok, I'm pretty, you can look at me now.)
a bouncy ball (I was so excited! I bounced it and bounced it and bounced it and then the dog freaked out and ate it. And now I'm kinda sad.)
a tazer (it still works! I thought it didn't... I forgot how much they sting.)
three cans of mace (one of my friends keeps giving me those, I have no idea why. she always acts really secretive about it, too. maybe she's envisioning me battling an evil overlord, and at the height of the battle, right when it looks like he's going to win, I'd whip out the can and mace him, and he would be all "Aaaarrrrg!! Mace, my only weakness!")
a lint roller (it has 25% more ultra-tack adhesive than their regular product, guaranteed)
hershey's syrup (... after the incident involving the sardines, I am hesistant. what's the shelf life for this stuff?)
a box of socks (yes, a box. I think they were a christmas present, many years ago.)
a harmonica (a family heirloom, or so I was told. I threw it away. Take THAT, family culture!)
an accordian (what the fuck? Where the hell did that come from?)
an old pistol and some bullets (bang bang!)
whiskey (unopened! you say 'stay sober', the universe says 'get plastered'.)
a library card (I went to a library?)
an unopened can of neon hair spray (maybe it's to go with those lights)
an opened can of black hair spray (sometimes I like to be sneaky, dirty blonde isn't sneaky)
a sketchbook (if you think my 'net comics are bloody/wierd, you should look in there)
1 of those really big metal flashlights used for smashing people AND shining light, 2 smaller versions I guess for jabbing people in the eyes with (I have never once used any of these for their light-bringing capabilities)
$20+ in quarters, 3 dimes, 2 nickels, and two pennies (god I hate change so much. why the fuck do I have so many quarters?)
a metal meterstick, 2 metal rulers (every time I see them, I say to myself "I'm going to sharpen these, and use them to murder somebody, just because that seems really cool." but I never get around to sharpening them. I tried cutting off someone's hand once anyways... didn't work, he was just really pissed and kept yelling.)
3 unopened bottles of hair gel (hah! these and the hair brush will keep my hair looking semi-sane for days if not a whole week!)
aa battery charger, 6 chargable aa batteries, and an unopened pack of 48 aa batteries (apparently at one point I had a desparate need for aa batteries?)
an old CD player (ohhh. so THAT is what those batteries were for.)
a fork (every morning for almost a year now I've woken up, stepped out of bed, yelped, and hopped on one foot out of the room. now I know why.)
a spoon (the spoon is always quick to bend)
a bunch of stuff that looks like it belongs inside my computer (maybe this is why it freezes so often?)
Super Mario Kart, Todd McFarlane's Spawn the Video Game, Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country, and... no super nintendo to play them on? what the fuck? (this is why I'm so mean to everybody: I know you all did something to my SNES, many years ago. But I don't know what. Yet.)
an unopened chinese calligraphy kit (someone who hates me bought that for me a long time ago, knowing that one day, far into the future, I will get extremely bored, open it, and get ink on everything I own)
a valentine (haha, I have a valentine and you don't. sure it's from forever ago when I was jailbait, and from a woman later hit for 11 sex with a minor charges, but still, fuck you.)
an unopened 3-d puzzle of the eiffel tower (okay, seriously. how the fuck did something like that get in here without me noticing?)
a metal trash can with one of those pedal-things at the bottom to open it (oh, god. oh, god. why did I open that. why. oh... god. something in there was moving, it was so rank I was gagging. I stacked a couple books on top of it and vowed to come back when I found something I thought could kill whatever was living in an airtight garbage can for... I don't know how many years. AND HOW DID IT GET IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE)
a toolkit (thought you could hide from me behind my natural enemy, the books, huh? well you didn't count on me doing a small amount of cleaning)
woodcarving set (because I carve things on wood?)
plastic army soldiers and Spider Man (the woodcarving set is no longer usable on account of it being covered in bits of plastic)
jerky (does not last as long as one might think, I tried eating some before noticing it had an expiration date of six years ago)
peanut butter (oh man. it feels like my intestines are trying to strangle my liver and stab my spleen. I should stop figuring out the food source viability of these things through taste-testing.)
a mechanical pencil (clickclickclickclickclickclick)
a single clothespin (I spent six minutes considering what use I might have for this, then remembered old movies where they used it to plug their noses... I have officially determined that the people in old movies were either using a different kind of clothespin, or were fucking idiots)
a sautering iron (I remember I had been planning on doing something with this... something involving the computer and those extra parts, maybe.)
extra lead for the mechanical pencil (clickclick... okay, I'm bored with the mechanical pencil now.)
a cup of coffee (coffee never ever goes bad)
an unopened heater (if I put this facing the fan I wonder if it will get hotter or cooler)
my duct-tape trenchcoat, my 1920's-style halloween mask, my hobo gloves, my spiky pants and tight shirt with holes in it (let's play dress-up! or not. If only I were 20 years younger and tonight were halloween night, I'd dress up in this and kill kids like crazy)
the thing. that nobody knows what it does. (seriously, it's this metal thing that's kind of pointy on one end, and has this blunt other end, and this thing coming off it that's pretty sharp and a little worn, and on it it says "Do not strike or use as a hammer." and "Wear safety goggles.")
a red glowstick (because you can never have too many things that glow) and also a green one. (because we like christmas)
the disc. this wretched disc contains every song from the 90's that didn't suck. for a while my computer wouldn't read it. today, it did. I love how I did absolutely nothing different to my computer between when it refused to read the disc and when it read every last byte perfectly. (computers are the matrons to a generation of serial killers.)
a letter from my old pen pal (she wrote english very poorly and kept begging to see her son again)
broken headphones (aw, that just sucks.)