I so just got spammed on myspace.

I got this message that was all this hawaiian chick telling me that "you caught my intentions." And I was like, "intentions? whose intentions did i catch?!" and I opened the message and she was all "i am pretty blah blah self esteem blah blah caring man blah blah... just o love me." so I was all "hey, that's what i do best: just o-love people. wait, wait no, i mean 'just smash people in the face with things'." I'm not sure what o-love is. But it sounds hot. I bet it's like, love, as experienced through the eyes of a donut that is being ripped apart by wild animals.
Man, now I want a donut so I can see o-love in action. Curse you myspace. I don't have a donut. Yet. I'll post more when I get a donut. I'll be right back. Seriously. Well, not right back. It'll probably be a few hours, or maybe days, I've got the attention span of a three year old who's been given repeated, savage skull beatings. Skull beatings. I bet that's not the right word. or wordss. screw it.

Oh, also I found out that the fountainhead? Not that good a book. There's this guy who always leaves tons of trailing ellipses (like this...) and was declared a homosexual by three people (yes, two of which was me.) and then there was this kid who waited for this other kid and then sprayed him with the hose, and I was like "Johnny you dumbass! He was standing on his front yard with a hose waiting for you! You should have seen that like a mile away! ...dumbass." which leades me to beleive I shouldn't try and read non-picture books because I get too involved. But really. Johhnny was a dumbass! Seriously!! He deserved to get beaten with that garden hose.

Okay, two things.

Thing 1!
I've found that after having eaten until I am full of meat that was cooked extra extra rare (so rare, I might as well just go out and chew on a live cow) that I'm much nicer to people. This leads me to believe that when I'm mean and cruel to people, it's not simple malice without reason; I just want to eat them.

Thing 2!
I'm bored, read me acting british at a person I found on-line. Guess which one is me!

Flaying Children: What up, friendly neighbor?
Stabyouface: Nothing much, my good fellow.
Flaying Children: Wonderful!
Stabyouface: We should dine together sometime!
Flaying Children: In joyous comradery with other chaps!
Stabyouface: Perhaps with our families!
Flaying Children: Ha, ha!
Stabyouface: ...!
Flaying Children: That's a delicious idea, if you catch my drift!
Stabyouface: Ah, delicious! Ha, ha, you card!
Flaying Children: I am what I am and I do what I can.
Stabyouface: Oh, you. Ha, ha, ha!
Flaying Children: Ha, ha, ha!
Stabyouface: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Flaying Children: Have you had a good look at my masochistic pleasure slave, good sir? She is quite skilled in her craft.
Stabyouface: Ah, wonderful! I have something like that. She stays in the kitchen or bedroom! Wherever I tell her to go!
Flaying Children: However a paradox arises as per punishment: physical violations, no matter how excruciating, render her giddy and overflowing with joy! I am at a loss.
Stabyouface: I know how you and she must feel. I enjoy it when I stake myself in the leg with a needle laced with morphine and rubbing alcohol!
Flaying Children: Ha, ha, I see how it is!
Stabyouface: Only a gentleman of your nobility would!
Flaying Children: Say, what do you think about making a cult to Satan?
Stabyouface: A cult you say?
Flaying Children: Ah, yes.
Stabyouface: Hm.
Flaying Children: Virgin sacrifices on tuesday!
Stabyouface: Why didn't you say so in the first place!
Flaying Children: Oh, ho, ho!
Stabyouface: I do enjoy a good virgin sacrificing cult!
Flaying Children: Me too! That's why I started it!
Stabyouface: Ingenius!
Flaying Children: You are truly a god amongst peasants.
Stabyouface: Your aptitude knows no bounds, good sir. Hahaha.
Flaying Children: This was too weird, even for me.
Stabyouface: Hahah!!

MY trip to Ireland. Because I blog sexy.

A couple weeks ago, I went to Ireland. It was a very fantasia place, with lots of Highlanders. They cut off each others' heads, because there can be only one. Eric was there too, but he was bitten by a leprechaun, so probably won't be posting about it, because leprechauns are a very shameful thing to be bitten by. Don't tell him I told you about the leprechaun. Anyways, they had a bunch of fish in Ireland, and drowned chinese babies. It was fun. One time an irish guy fought me with a sword because I made fun of his kilt, and he cut off my arm. I am now a cripple. I hope to get better soon though. In Ireland I found a kid selling a strange food called Haggis. It is apparently all the guts of a goat, contained within the delicious stomach of a goat. After the first bite, I shook it up and poured it on a villager, it was great fun and we all had a good laugh before they tied me to a stick in the center of town to think on my transgressions.
One of the days I was there I saw the Loch Ness monster. It shot atomic death-rays at my boat, but then my tour guide called up Braveheart and they beat the monster then went on to take over Britain, but we gave it back after a couple hours because they just kept asking if we wanted tea and if they could "bum a fag" from us. I hate britain. It is cold there and the people are ugly. It makes me feel like I'm back in the Orphanage, where they would always steal your blanket and touch you even though they were really ridiculously bad looking. On that matter, Eric's wallet was stolen by the British. I guess that's what they meant by "bum a fag". I told him not to let them, but he never listens to me because he's a jew, and now he's a jew without a wallet.
As we were trying to leave Ireland, a plane smashed into ours. It made me sad. Why would a plane smashed into ours? It made me sad. Eric took pictures, but not of me. I was very unhappy. I got out of the plane and was all, "What would your mother say if she saw you hitting other kids with fully grown planes?" at the pilot of the other plane. We made a layover in Britain. The second time I was there, it was fun! I left a bag of explosives there, tied to the corpse of a muslim that I found. Also I found out that those guards that supposedly don't move ever will move if you start pouring lighter fluid on them. Then we came home. I brought back a souvenir to prove I went to Ireland and British: a dead rat. It smells salty and like goat intestines, and everyone knows the only place to get salty is britain and the only place to get goat intestines is Ireland.

DISCLAIMER 1: Eric did not take any pictures of me in Ireland. Egotistical bastard.
DISCLAIMER 2: There is a distinct possibility I did not go to Ireland.

P.S. Eric is getting mad because I keep acting like things he does is things I do and like he does stuff that he doesn't really.

.....I don't think I seem THAT dangerious.

Your Rising Sign is Scorpio

You're so intense and passionate - you're on fire! You want to be an angel or a devil... you can't decide which. No wonder you seem moody and even a little dangerious. You've got some major mystery going on, so work it! Your personality is the strongest of all signs, making you hard to deal with. While you're ruthless to your enemies, you're loyal to your one true love.

What is Your Rising Sign?

DON'T FUCKING WATCH THE NEWS.

Oh my god!!! people are so stupid. On the news (I watched it for half an hour), between the story of the thief that robbed half a dozen people without even having a weapon, and the four cops who screwed the underage girl but aren't going to be prosecuted, there was the bicyclist. Man. This guy was in a bicycle race when he LOST CONTROL OF HIS BIKE, kept going for three or so meters, then hit a metal pole and died. Yes, that's right. He lost control of his bike and died. It's not like, you know, he could have used his brakes, or just.... I dunno, TURNED THE FUCKING HANDLES A HALF INCH TO THE SIDE. Arrr. You people are so damned stupid. A fucking bicycle. Not on a hill or anything, either, this was level ground.
Also, human hair, stuck in some shrubs in the mountains! Not human hair! Oh god! They had an entire fucking search, brought in helicopters and everything, over some fucking human hair that some hikers found. Also, a girl was sexually abused and found with her captor in a restaurant. A goddamned russkie listening device was discovered off the coast of Washington. A man was caught soliciting sex from children! Mr. Children, was that you? No, I'm kidding, Mr. Children only eats children, he doesn't screw 'em. But maybe it was an ingenius ploy, designed to get the kids all ready for some illegal sex, then turning the tables and cutting off their heads and boiling them in pots (not neccessarily in that order, he might wish to hear the screams, the horrible horrible wonderful screams, then cut off their heads).
A 49 year old man was masquerading as a cheerleader. Well, that's .... creepy!
Wal-Mart's starting a friday single's shopping night! That's... also fucking creepy! But it paves the way for people like me to bludgeon a date in the parking lot and take her home, so I guess it's not so bad.
Also. God-damn. These shitheaded newscasters are so fucking idiotic. Every fucking time they have a murder or a kidnapping or a rape, they go up to a random person on the street and ask their opinion. Because you know, if you live somewhere, you're an expert on everyone and everything that goes on there.
In other news, an Arizona baby is dead! Killed by being left in the car. Wow, imagine that. How is this related to Oregon news?! Nobody knows!!! I saw that Christian Children's Fund shit for the kabillionth time, and it gave me an idea. The Partially Drowned Chinese Baby Fund. This is where everyone pays me a bunch of money, then I go to the Chinese border and scoop up floodriver babies that may or may not be dead and mail them all to America. Partially drowned is a promise, not a guarantee, you will get no money back, and also I might just blow all the money on my newfound gambling addiction and pick up a bunch of american babies from one of those dumpsters outside the abortion clinic, but hey, nobody really wanted supersmart dying buddhist babies anyways.
And to finish, I will reveal why I am swearing a lot again.
So like, I had this dream last night. It was real shiny. There was a bowling ball, and Jesus was riverdancing on top of it, and he got that religious look in his eye, and he leaned down real close and told me, “Evan, ye been defilin’ me name. Lad, it upsets me so to see you doin’ such evil. Ah, Blarney. I wish ye’d go back to ye olde sinnin’ ways, they be less sinful than the tricks you’re up to now.” but he seemed real short and was wearing all green, so I was like “Are you sure you’re not a leprechaun?” and he was like “’Tis a good question m’boy, and best answered by this: would a leprechaun give ye a bar of gold not to ask that question again?” and he gave me a bar of gold and I was all “No sir mister Jesus!” and he was like “Aye lad. That’s right. And remember, if anyone asks, I don’t exist.” then a rainbow came and took him away.
…I never knew Jesus had red hair.





UPDATE: A baby in Illinois was found alive in a bunch of tires. It's like, the balance of nature. One baby is murdered by the sun, another escapes to Illinois to be raised by tires. Isn't life grande?

Will the highways of the internet become more few?

Last night I so was totally watching the fireworks in Estacada, (the town of inbred country-folk which lurks nearby and slurps its way gradually towards the city in the fashion of a creeping mold which is not deadly but may well end up giving you leprosy and/or malaisia [I can't remember if that's a disease or a country right now, but either way it's not a very good thing to get]). It kind of bothered me though, because their fireworks were really really ridiculously shitty. I kept thinking, "God would have done better, if He had an independence day." But what could oppress God in the first place? I mean, unless He used His invincible power to create something even more powerful than He was, but that would be kind of stupid. Maybe if He got distracted while making a spacelizard or some crazy new form of life for Existence-II He could. I dunno. But then if God managed to overthrow that supergod spacelizard, then God would probably make an independence day that was really spectacular.
Needless to say though, I ended up turning my back to the fireworks (bright flashes of light make me feel like God is taking my picture, like serial killers do right before they kill you) and wandering around until The Terrorist found me, and we had a short fight that ended in this old couple screaming really loudly for a long time and they didn't stop even after I quietly made my exit, I could hear them for like a couple minutes after...... maybe their hips had been broken in the fight, or The Terrorist was torturing them horribly, I dunno, it was pretty dark out, which had made it hard to gouge my opponent's eyes out so I had had to use my l33t Jesus Kombat night fighting skillz (which consist of trying to copy moves off Pitch Black in the name of God) on The Terrorist. That fight was a draw, but next time I'll carry a flashlight and make a shiv out of broken beer bottles, cotton candy, and Waldo's intestines, because I could have sworn I saw Waldo out there, but he's quite the tricky little fellow and disappeared while I was temporarily blinded by one of the brighter (but still shitty) firecrackers. Next time I'll catch him though, and when I do, I got some spleenin' to do, because I'm pretty sure it's legal to kill him, because isn't someone legally dead if you can't find them after two or three years of looking? And you can't go to jail for killing a dead man, right?

MOVIE REVIEW TIME

Also, I watched the first part of the movie Gothika, from the urgings of several people that were giving me these really weird looks, but then I decided it was as shitty a movie as I had suspected it was and turned it off. Why do you people like shitty movies? It is stupid.
Also, I watched the middle part of like Perseus Vs the Pegasus (not the name of the movie because I don't know the name of the movie but I think that's what it should be called), which was an awesome movie, they used claymation for the bad guys, except for when they had the really bad guys in which case they used projectors and had the good guys jumping around and spearing the wall with like... uh, spears.