Poor China.

For those that don't know, China is in the midst of being flooded terribly. They have 50000+ casualties (but don't feel too bad for them, they still have like a bajillion people left) and that's a 2 day old number, so I dunno, maybe the Chineses are all flooded out to England or something by now. When he gets back I'll have to ask Eric if a bunch of drowned chinese folks wasshed up at his hotel's doorstep every morning he was in Ireland.
But this raises the question, who is it that floods people when He's angry at them? Maybe.... GOD? Hey China, you might wanna consider not worshipping Buddha, because his communist magic powers can't stop god (nobody's can really, but commie powers have even less of a chance than non-commie powers).

EDIT ON THIS BREAKING NEWS STORY: omg liek the dog was totally wet and he shook himself all over me then the computer froze while i was typing a really ridiculously long post so now i smell like dog and my post is gone. =/ macintosh are the devil!

You take it, I'll score it. Feel free to say your results anonymously if you're scared of people knowing youu

God or evil
I made this quiz. You are going to take it. Take it. Take it. (haha, if I said bitch I would sound like a porno movie.)

And remember, don't ask 'why', just answer the questions.

1. If you were able to go back in time, you would a.) kill hitler because he's a dirty dirty boy b.) fight the dinosaurs with Fred Flintstone and the Jetsons c.) kill Johnny Appleseed and become your own grandpa/grandma d.) rape people, like comedians and crack addicts.

2. If you had only one oxygen mask in a fire, would you use it on a.) yourself b.) the tiny baby nearby c.) the new Pope who had come to eat the tiny baby d.) Hitler, who returns again! e.) that one guy with shifty eyes f.) your best friend Evan, who didn't kill anyone that night in eugene.

3. If you were given the choice, would you shoot up a.) a bunch of good folks b.) a bunch of black folks.

4. You find a bunch of porno, crack, and cash on the ground... for some reason you can only take one of these things? You take a.) the porno, because without it masturbation is far, far less fun b.) the crack, because without it watching 2001: A Space Odysse is far, far less fun c.) the cash, because without it you can't hire a hit man to kill your ugly neighbor who keeps giving you the stank-eye d.) all three, fuck the rules and fuck you too quiz-man.

5. A ninja crawls to your front door and has just enough time to tell you that he needs your help to save the world from eternal war and chaos. You a.) call the cops, this dude needs help b.) call the hospital, this dude needs help c.) call the 'hospital', this dude has a body full of organs to sell on the black market d.) put him out of his misery, bang bang! e.) steal his wallet [do ninjas have wallets?] then leave him in a dumpster somewhere f.) call Dr. Monroe, we'll give the ninja twice the killing power with the spleen of a WILD blue whale.

6. While viewing your favorite pornography upon your television's Video Cassette Recorder, a cocharoach, a mouse, and a tiny baby crawl by. You eat the a.) cocharoach b.) mouse c.) tiny baby, the delicous tiny baby d.) a food which is kept elsewhere in the house: ______.

7. You're beating your crying housewife when you hear a sharp crack and she stops moving. Blood pools slowly around her prostate form. Do you a.) screw the corpse b.) lick the bloody flesh-wounds c.) wonder why you married a girl because you are not a lesbian d.) love being a lesbian but don't dig dead people... hey, that's kinda a pun e.) call the po-lice and blame your neighbor f.) pray to your god that nobody finds you g.) take her out to your trusty ol' corpse-burying pit h.) use your taxidermy skills, her name will now be 'corpsy' and she will scare away those damned pidgeons i.) something completely different, like maybe call an ambulance? ________________.

8. I like kittens. They're fluffy and nice. Don't you? a.) Yes. b.) No, I'm a bad person.

9. When a problem comes around, you must a.) whip it b.) I don't know.

10. A group of chinese have captured you, and are slowly but surely driving you mad by dripping water upon the top of your head while you are tied to a chair. Do you a.) cave and tell them where your platoon is located b.) tell them the wrong place in the hope that they will kill you later for your impudence c.) let the insanity wash over you, it will only empower you and give you the strength to kill them all. Damned commies!

11. Beating up trekkies, LotR fans and Darth Vader has made you tired. You a.) slice open your Bantha's stomache with your lazer sword and take a nap, so as not to freeze to death in the freezing weather b.) sleep in your electronic sleeping machine from the planet Klingon c.) lay down in the middle of the most-used path in all the lands, because no Ring Wraiths would ever discover you there d.) pull an all-nighter, not like it really matters e.) use The Force to strangle Chewbacca and sleep in his hairy Wookie-bed f.) continue your hunt for those delicious hobbits, fuckers took your ring g.) can't sleep now, the vulcans are attacking h.) have Mountain Dew, so do not need sleep, your mind is racing but the rest of your body has inexplicably ceased movement i.) are a leper! and if you don't eat the flesh of children, will soon fall apart at the seams like a worm-infested rag doll.

12. You have stopped the Rise of the Machines, but now there is a world left in ruin. You will a.) cannibalize, eat your way to emperor of the land b.) dance your way to leader of the world, you are king of the dance after all c.) stop the Rise of Humanity, those oppressed bastards won't see you coming d.) do that whole peace and freedom crap, make the world a better place or something e.) become victim to a host of savage indianss… er native Americans… whose cannibalistic nature has overpowered their fake white man mannerisms so now they are eating EVERYONE.

13. While taking a stroll beside the lake, you accidentally bump into a midget. Do you a.) apologize b.) not apologize, it's not like midgets are really people anyways.

14. A horde of the undead are shuffling, stumbling, and skipping their way through the streets. A man rushes to your door and begs to be let in. To determine if he is a zombie, you ask a.) if the current president is good or bad; good means he's either a zombie or a bush supporter, and it's time to get the shotgun b.) who the current president is, but that's kind of stupid because he could be a zombie from the old Bush's days c.) if he saw a man from another culture walking down the street, would he kill the man, or just beat him mercilessly and/or crack open his skull to eat his brains until the man learned that these streets are for zombies and delicious white kids, not those dirty foreigners d.) if he is a zombie, zombies never lie, they're our friends you know, our friends whose hunger for our raw bloody flesh has overridden every semblance of sanity they may once have had, much like Mormons and the Chinese.

15. Your best friend is Evan. a.) Yes, Evan is the wonderful. b.) No, I am a disgusting, vile person whose only purpose for existing in life is to be a victim of horrible illnesses and to show others what never to be. c.) No, but I have a valid reason, like maybe Evan killed my family or ate a couple of my pets or something, he's funny like that. d.) I suppose, in the fashion that everyone is friends at heart, because Buddha is really cool, you should pray at him or … I dunno, make a temple, whatever a dirty old Buddhist does.

16. Sleeping peacefully, you are awakened by a noise from under your bed. You a.) piss yourself and hold really still, scared out of your tiny mouse-like wits. b.) reach veeeeeerrrrry slowly for your speargun, then jump out of your bed and shout "I have you now, whiskey breath!" and start shooting. c.) walk to the wall and turn on the light, then look what made the noise, but it might be an oppossum so you could get your face eaten off or something. d.) go back to sleep, whatever it is can't hurt you if you're sleeping, right? e.) release the dogs, to kill and maim whatever it is and bring its battered, chewed up corpse out for you to investigate. Hopefully that wasn't your cat, or baby. f.) start flailing and calling out "Help! Help! I'm drowningggg….. drowning! Somebody help!" With any luck, some poor, confused sap will enter the room and get attacked by whatever it is that's under your bed. g.) don't believe in monsters, don't believe in monsters, don't believe in monsters, this won't give you nightmares tonight, just remember it might be Shitcoon.

I'm making a children's boook.. this is a rough draft of page 1. Criticizm useful!

At the end it was a tossup, but they gave me a tiebreaker question so I got Wrath.

You scored as Wrath. Wrath 100% Envy 100% Sloth 88% Pride 56% Greed 56% Lust 25% Gluttony 6% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

WaRNING

In the words of God, "Thou shalt not looketh upon thy neighbor's wife, but it hurteths not to imagineth a lass who existeths not, in a situation which is sexyeth alot, provided ye include a street somewhere in thy story."

So,

A Better Romance Novel

By Jesusfan77



Lustfully, the sssssexy woman timidly wandered through the rapacious mountains of 3rd street. "My," she moaned, "I'm glad that I'm a virgin who is just so ready for her first sexyal experience that she could explode."
Unbeknownst to her, the Man of her Dreams was also walking down that same street. He was not speaking, but lost in thought; thought of 'My,' he sexually thought, 'It's good to be a skinny, arian little german with an inferiority complex, but uh I also am timid, which makes me sexy.'
Kabam! They two bump into each other. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" the girl exclaimed hornily. "Eeeeeeeek!" the guy shrieked. They tumbled together to the ground, groping and touching and stabbing and gnawing each other's delicious skins in a sexual manner. Then they stood up and gasped. "That sure was hot." The guy said. "My, you sure are a sexy beast." The girl said, which was hot. Then they both ran home and had like, coffee or something.
"Coffee or something sure is tasteyy................................. not as tastey as sex though!" They both laughed. Bat Man laughed too, but he was up in the rafters, and they both looked and saw his shiny eyes and were kind of scared so they both pretended he wasn't there. "They always pretend I'm not here." BAt-man muttered. "I wish I didn't strike fear into the hearts of married couples, and random other couples, and sometimes people who aren't even couples but kind of know each other anyways. I wish I striked lust into them instead." Sad music startede playing in the background, and Bat Man's tears quietly soaked the carpet below.
Ignoring batman is horny work, so the two went into the back room. They opened th edoor to the room and the girl went back and started stripping. The guy was like taking off his clothes normally because uh he wasn't a stripper. The girl was slowly stripping off her clothes and it was hot. Then the guy wnet up and was like, "You are teh SEXXORRRS" and the girl was like "oh! oh! Oh1" and that was hot too. Then the guy touched his finger on her mounds of allusionary greatness. The girl's momentous chest heaved like a buffallo's chest while the buffalo is stampeding off a cliff. The guy was touching her innappropriately. The girl was chest-heaving. It was hot.
Trojan Man broke down the door. "Trojan Man! Are you here to steal our television?" "No kids, I'm here to remind you that you should always have sex with condoms. And only Trojan condoms, because if you use any other kind your penis will DIE." "Oh man" said the guy "I didn't have a condom before, but I better go get one now! Thanks Trojan Man!" He got up. Trojan MAn's eyes narrowed. "Didn't have a condom?! Oh-ho, take this evil-doer!" Trojan Man decapitates the dude and sets the place on fire, and Bat Man gets set on fire too, but he has a flame-retarded cape which protects him, then Barb Wire saves the girl from the fire and the girl is a lesbian. They go do it in the street, which is like really hot, and a hobo is watching and he has a video camera so that's pretty hot too.

It gets spread all over the internet, too. The bum gets tons of money, then he buys the playboy manison.



THE MORAL OF THE STORY is that In America, Anyone Can Get Rich If you HAve a Video Camera, And If You Don't You're just Fucking Screwed.

Fucking picky.

Well, my christian friend was not satisfied with the conversion of my blog, but now my posts are to contain 'emotion' as well as christ. So, here's my new post.

Today as I was riding the bus, I EMOTIONALLY saw this really SLUTTY girl. It filled me with such APPREHENSION and CONFUSION, as I was not sure why anyone in their right MIND would look so slutty. So, I sat down beside her and asked, "Why are you so SLUTTY?" in my most CALM of voices. The SLUT gave me a STRANGE look, and told me to get away from her. Nodding, I said in a PERTURBED fashion, mostly to myself, "She must hate God." The SLUT ANGRILY spat after me, "I LOVE God, asshole!" but I knew she was lying because nobody who LOVES God would ever wear pants.

The End
God Loves You
(Unless You're Hungarian)

Yessir.

My Beat Poete Poem (aka the beginning of the romantic book)

Perrvy whiskey babies
slink wildly through beat poet streets
on wheels of vomiting cats
urine
shitting all over my porch
romance
the bus stopps
and a bunch of babies tumble out
ONTO THE OLD MAN
old men waiting at a bus stop
babies
touching you badly
trampling your vomiting cat babies
sleeping on a bus until
touching
innappropriately
more than one way to skin a
vomiting
cat baby
whiskey breath
pissing on a bum
some days you're the dog, some days you're the
pervy
whiskey baby

Enrico... viva... con dios.


(I have such skills of writer, it's crazy.)

Imaginary friends, and other stuff.

I had an imaginary friend when I was younger (before I had Jesus and god). He didn't do much though, mostly just told me to burn things and every few days he would leave me a dead mouse or bird and shit all over on my front porch, growling and growling until the sun came up. He was pretty cool, but one night we left the cat out, and they got into a real big fight. After half an hour of screaming and hissing (and I found out later, shitting as well) the fight seemed over, so I peeked out my second-floor window to see if the fight was over, but the street light didn't shine on my front porch so I guess I assumed it was a draw, until I heard a kind of wet, ripping cough and saw my cat's head fly from the front porch to bounce several times then roll down the hill. Satisfied that the fight wasn't over and would probably go on all night, I sighed, shut my window, and turned on the radio real loud so I wouldn't have to listen to them anymore. In the morning, all I could find was a couple tufts of fur, some bloody stains, and more shit than I had ever seen in one place before (well, it might not have been THAT much, but it was spread across the entire porch, so it seemed like a ton). I never heard from my imaginary friend, or my cat, again... I suppose their fighting turned to loving, like it does in the movies, and they went off to get married. I still kind of wish I'd gotten a chance to say goodbye to them both, but I guess the important part is that they're both happy.

I had no idea I was this bad. Hmm. Did you guys lie on your tests to make yourselves look better or something? =/

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

My life was touched by an angel. Yeah... a shiny one.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that my Christian friend who shall remain unnamed has made me realize how shameful my life should be. Therefore, in my shame, I am remaking my Blog, in a nicer, shinier version of itself, that won't be as violent or sick or angry or anything and will be cute and happy instead. Thank you, Christian friend, you know who you are.

Needless to say, today's post will be altogether different from the other posts I have been making!

As I was walking down the street of portland today, I saw a homeless man pissing on another homeless man. Confused, I asked the first homeless man why he was pissing on the other, and he must have been confused as well, as he began swearing and waving his arms. Never one for violence, I showed him a picture of Jesus which I had tucked into my pocket earlier in the day to ward off witches, and he calmed immediately, saying over and over "daddy" and crying for his sins. Because truley, Jesus is everyone's father, and son, and uncle as well. I love you Jesus. That homeless man did too. I don't know about the other one, he had apparently dranken himself into unconsciousness, but he probably loved you too.

I made a song about Jesus, which can only in small part cover Jesus' holy wonder.

Jesus
you're so great
I love how you're shiny
in the sky
like a bird
not a plane
you can beat up superman
(drum solo)

Have you ever been sitting down, perhaps at a computer, perhaps at a typewriter, fuck, maybe if you're truly ancient even at a macintosh, and you were typing a letter to someone, perhaps a special someone, and you realize that you could probably get much more better results from the letter if you were to alter the format from a "hi, how are you" kind of thing into a "if you don't give me what I want, you're fucking dead"?
A chinese woman mistakenly sent me an email while attempting to reach her son whom she hadn't spoken to in eight months and wished to make reparations with, and in the course of replying with "It seems you have been given an incorrect email address because nobody likes you because you're ugly hahahahhahaha", I realized a personal threat might be much more appropriate, and switched the format around to "Also the terrorists say that if you don't send me tons of naked pictures of you naked they will gouge out my eyes and livers." Man, I felt like such an idiot! Then I realized, I responded appropriately to letters all the time, and was forced to hide my face in shame for three whole days. The rest of myself I exposed several times to Jehova's Witnesses who show up with increasing regularity at my door (with the catch line of "Witness THIS!"), but my face was concealed.. because of the shame.
Also, I wish to give tribute to the unsung hero of this really horrid clash I had with a small family of voles, namely my shoe, Shoey McHyde. Shoey, you saved my foot from vole guts at great personal hygiene cost, and for that I will never forget you, even though I burned you alive after I couldn't get the vole guts from your treads (and if anyone says shoes aren't alive, I swear to Jehovaa I'll be scraping a family of voles who came from YOUR neck of the woods off my new [new to me, not really new] shoes).
I felt so stupid the other day, I went without sleep for like four days then fell asleep on the bus and this creepy guy was sitting by me when I woke up and I was wayyyyy the hell past my stop. See, there's the thing. Every goddamnned time I fall asleep on the bus, it's always some freaky guy touching me - never can I get the homeless old lady or the girl who smells like she washes herself in the feces and urine of a dozen alleycats, no, I always, ALWAYS have to get the guys. I think it might be the shampoo I use, it has a picture of a kangaroo on it, and everyone knows that australia is a breeding ground for homeless homosexuals that love riding busses, so they must be all "HE IS FROM AUSTRALIA. HE MUST ALSO BE A HOMELESS HOMOSEXUAL WHO LOVES RIDING BUSSES. MAYBE IF I HOLD HIM INNAPPROPRIATELY, HE WILL BE MY.... FRIEND?" No such luck on the other day in question though, when I woke up I stood up really fast and knocked the guy to the isle in between the seats and he gave me this startled look and asked in a really slow voice who I was. Man, if praying would get me a car, I would totally pray and get a car, then go on a joyride and ruin the transmission, sell it and claim it's in perfect condition, pray and get a new car, then never, ever ride the goddamned bus again.
Well see, I would continue going through everything that's pissed me off between now and the last time I posted, but that would take all damned night, and nobody in their right mind would read it, and most people in their wrong mind would then proceed to hunt me down and carve "should have posted shorter" into my flesh, which, twisted as I am, would probably turn me on, but then I would bleed to death and die which would suck. So instead I stop here and let the crazies scrawl their cryptic, yet somehow profound messages into your flesh tonight, and I promise that Eric will post longer later (hah, see how I turned that around? You thought I was going to promise something, but I didn't. Aren't I cool? Don't you love me now? Crazies, remember that TYLER WEBB leaves his window unlocked and loves late-night visitors).